The problem with online
communication or online relationships
is that you're never there
, and by there I mean physically
there, with the person. You can't hear their voice
begin to crack
as they tell you something that they've told very few people in their lifetime. You can't see their hands fidgeting
. You can't see their eyes, on the verge of tears
, because they can't take it anymore
and could easily give up right now.
Instead, it's all pixels on a screen. You're limited to typing from the heart. And regardless of what you say, there's always a moment of silence. The good thing about online conversation is that you can think about what you type before you actually type it. The bad thing is that you can think about what you type before you actually type it. Then, when both parties want to say something that they've been meaning to say for a while, neither can. They may type it, they may look at the words, but in the end it's all erased. The most honest conversations are the ones with as little silence as possible, for those words are straight from the heart, with as little processing and stonewalling as possible.
Still, words are important. I've attempted to cheer up many a person through instant messages, had many more serious conversations about stuff I wouldn't even tell my dad about, and half the time I end up thinking that If this were in person, I would have kissed her now. Well, that's partially true. For me, it's more like If this were in person, I would have thought about kissing her now, because I'm naturally shy. So many times have I wanted to reach through my monitor, grab whoever I'm talking to, and tell them that they shouldn't have such a low opinion of themselves because I care about them, and they deserve to live a better life.
Sometimes, friends of mine say things online that would have me over to their room in less than half a minute, because I knew that this would be better said in person than through a keyboard. And we'd talk, and I'd try to figure them out, and there would be these long pauses in the conversation where my mind would scream "Kiss her already!"
And I wouldn't. I don't know why. I really am just a shy bastard, in the end. Maybe it's only the kind of thing that happens in the movies. Or maybe the right moment will come, and I'll know it, and the stars will be aligned and what half an hour ago may have been black fonts and IM pings would turn into something magical.
Or I'll just always be staring at the screen. Staring at the words she types. Wishing that it was the right moment.