If you ever wondered
or
if you ever wonder
what your life would be like without her, well
you might look a lot like me and
even if you don't believe it you should still
take a good look at me
you will remember me
standing in blue jeans
with bright wide eyes
in that old upstairs kitchen with
bloody little hands and bloody little
bony claws sticking out of my fingers
poking your memories of me like
a balloon in my palm without
popping it, on a black and white
checker tile kitchen floor
beneath the beaming fluorescence
a freak shrouded in light
donning a smile, dawning a nervous
gradually toothier and toothier grin
you should take a good look now
while you can see me with your real eyes
and not just in your memory because
it's there in your mind when I'm out of sight and I
will fuck with you
everything about everything that happened hurts
because it was meant to hurt and if you and I
and everyone had been different
had done things differently
it would all still hurt but I
never
thought
that I
would ever be
this
disappointed
in
you
.
just because a thing
means something to you
doesn't give that thing
meaning
you can't change the shape of a thing
by simply attaching-committing-involving yourself to it
it has to fit correctly
before anything ever latches
before anyone tries to fix or insert or
make anything
that's how you went such a long way to nowhere
that's why you'll always be home
it will always be difficult for me to resist the urge
to try to make you feel stupid
I'm still looking for that ego death myself and
I'm sorry and I need to go
It's always time to go
December 13, 2015