I should have known it'd be junk mail. The nonprofit postage stamp should have been a clue. But the envelope said:

A Message from His Holiness
the Dalai Lama Enclosed

And how could I be sure that he wasn't going to pick *me* to be the next Dalai Lama? As Ed McMahon says, you may already be a winner! Sure, I bet those robes chafe, but it'd be cool. I'd have an excuse to shave my head.

No such luck. The message was "Send these guys some money."

Look, I don't care if you're Oskar fuckin' Schindler. You send me junk mail, you're going on my shit list.

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