I remembered going hanging out with some girl in college in my first year. It s a little trip to the Ed Sullivan Theatre
to see David Letterman
. Before we went to the big show, she smelled something. She asked me if I know that she smelled pot
. I didn t. I should ve known that was a sign for me to bail out. I do know what she was talking about, but I can t smell this kind of stuff. I should ve dumped her and returned home early.
My boss once told me that not everybody is dating, because she's single. What the hell does that mean!? I'm not black (because she is). I'm one of those losers who looks like I can only be fixed up by my mother. And my boss smokes in front of me. She takes a bit of a drag in the courtyard outside the workplace. I felt like my nose is going to burn when she blew after that drag. I should've just thrown up my arms, and quit a long time ago.
I don't want to be exactly like them, when they smoked and drank. I only want to be somebody, somebody who knows how NOT to be stupid. (I point to a window:) People have told me to be something, be one of those computer guys who can make a hella lot of money out there. I want to do that, but at the cost of my social life!? (I turn away from the window, with the sky turning gray, fading into a storm.)
It was a few weeks ago, when I was in #everything when datagirl was drunk. She said that she was drunk, and she has a gun. I was afraid for her because she might've done something I would've done -- pull the gun out and blast myself to pieces. It's a great thing that ShadowLost talked to her as I was and SpinyNorm. She got tired, and she went to bed. I sighed.
I feel so out of touch with people because I m too young to do everything that normal people can do. I m too young to party, yet everybody can do it in high school. People can hang out with fraternity and sorority types in college, I m too small to do it. For all I care, they can smoke crack and I m too fucking oblivious to it! I m dumb! I'm too fucking stupid!
I don't want to drink alcohol. I don't want to be like that guy who died in MIT because of a frat house drinking spree for the pledges. I don't want to stagger around drunk like an asshole in the middle of the city, puking, slurring my speech, having to be spotted by Karen Ziemba in Central Park and scaring her away. I felt like shit to embarrass her last November, and I'm not going to do it again. I'm not letting down my guard again.
I can hear them. They call me a wuss. They call me a piece of shit for being so... square. I'm at odds with anybody who has told me to down a shot. I'm at odds against anybody who asks me to try a dime bag for the night. I don't want to be like them! I've never seen myself being into anything that everybody liked to do. I'm too unpopular to hang out with a pot smoker, and I look too young to drink. Even if I'm 21, I look like I'm 18, and I will get kicked out by the bouncer.
I'm too bitter tonight. I don't know if I can survive my life like this. Yet, I don't want to just fall in to some bar and asking for twenty screwdrivers to burn my liver. I don't want to make up for my lack of a life with a toe tag. It s been twenty years two months, and 22 days, and I just feel like I should drink for every month of my life. That would be... 46 drinks. It doesn't matter what it is, scotch, kahlua, vodka, whatever. I feel like I am in my own Personal Hell, and I don't want to stay there. I don't want to die alone in a cold, dark box that is my home office. I don't want to be some dumbshit drunk either. I don't want to be a drug addict or an alcoholic. I fear for my life.
Mental note: I have to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous clinic before it's too late.