I see love I can see passion
I feel danger
I feel obsession
Don’t play games with the ones who love you
Cause I hear a voice that says
“I love you… I’ll kill you.”

The room was spinning out of control. You can immerse yourself in a lie for a decade and then be all too ready to unburden yourself of the truth. After all, it has been festering away inside of you for so long, to release it is a chemical of inner healing. At the same time it does not unburden you of your debt to time. Nor does it become an easy answer… for anything.

Loneliness, I feel loneliness in my room...

It was the basement bedroom of The Muse. It was a cold February night. Or maybe it was March. All he knew was that the wind was blowing outside and there were thoughts of snow in the air. Everything took too long. Everything moved in slow motion. He thought about what he was going to hold back and tried to decide if that might actually be more important. This was his confession of his feelings for her. It was not his confession of how years of living in denial of his deep love for everything she was had led him down a path that diverted him to suicide. That would be too much. There would come a time.

Look into the mirror of your soul
Love and hate are one in all
Sacrifice turns to revenge and believe me
You'll see the face who'll say:
"I love you... I'll kill you..."

He took hold of his leather jacket and prepared to leave. It was a curious move in her eyes. After all, he said there was something important he needed to tell her and now he was preparing to leave. He mumbled something about what he needed to say necessitating a quick exit. For so long he had been convinced that his love was misplaced and that he needed to forget how much he loved her. To confess now only naturally led him to the conclusion that departure would be necessary. After all, he had killed himself because of how he perceived and interpreted those feelings. It had been convenient to blame someone else for his death in the meantime.

Loneliness, I feel loneliness in my room...

There was a spirit in the audience that night. He felt the presence of the spirit as strongly as he felt hers. It told him that his confession would not bring him what he desired, but did not tell him to hold back. The presence was warm and gave him strength. He needed that strength to look into her eyes and tell her that he loved her and that he had always loved her and that his love for her ran deeper than it ever could with any other woman on the face of the planet. He told her all this and bathed in his outburst of honesty. Then he began to put his coat on.

Loneliness, I feel loneliness in my room...

She made him stay. She made him put his coat down.

She was to make her own confession, with as much regret for the past as he had. There was too much. Her life had turned in crooked directions. She was unable to love, or so she had made herself believe. She could only consume and feed off the love of others to make herself feel close to whole again. Everything in recent memory associated with men in her life had been born of pain. The abuse, the rape, the abortion, and that which was so much worse of which she could never speak. She could have consumed him. She would have fed off his love and lived forever. There was just no way she could do that. The emotion she felt for him made such a thing impossible. Had she been capable of love, she confessed, she would have loved him as much as he did her. Not believing herself capable of such a thing she told him that there simply was no one who meant more to her and that he had to understand what that meant and perhaps it would offer him some comfort. Moments passed and they simply looked at each other and waited for planets to crash into each other and time to come to an end. And it did, but they made it start again.

Look into the mirror of your soul
Love and hate are one and in all

Two months later they would drive through the mountains of New Hampshire and try to ignore everything they felt and everything they had said. For some reason there was a certain song they had on a tape and they kept playing it over and over again. It would be the longest period of time they had ever shared alone together. In many ways it would be the time they would both remember. The world of memories never escapes one’s soul.

"I love you... I'll kill you...
But I'll love you forever"


Lyrics copyright 1993 L.Fairstein/Curly M.C.
Enigma Songs/EMI Virgin Music Ltd.
"I Love You... I'll Kill You" appears on the Enigma album "The Cross of Changes"

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