this is a life-long problem I am learning to deal with, but it is very hard. I can speak intelligently in most situations, but when things get weird, I just shoot total nonsense. Like last week, I was at IHOP. I am just sitting there smoking a cigarette and bam I just say, "I have stuck my finger in every Steak N' Shake waitress in the state of Illinois." It just came out and loud too, so like 5-6 tables heard it. This one girl looks up at me and makes this weird deer-like face and then turns away. I then proceed to try to the cover what I just said with some shit about how it was their mouths so don' t think anything dirty, but that really didn't cover it, it just kinda made it weirder.

other things I've said at inopportune moments:
"well shit, I've got a tiny man crawling out of my butt again." (at the dinner table)
"Chester Fucking Arthur!" (as some sort of exclamation statement)
I yell "poop!" at kids that walk by my apartment building for shits and giggles.
I call most women "mandy" for no specific reason. (actually, some women kinda like this one for some reason. Barry Manilow perhaps?
Most everyone I refer to as either "potentially handicapped" or "perishable food items", as in: "There's a large crowd of perishable food items at this baseball game."

Log in or registerto write something here or to contact authors.