Many contingencies arise which would require one to pee
in the dark
Maybe there's been a blackout
. Maybe it's the middle of the night
and turning on a light would wake your significant other
. Maybe your significant other is already awake, and is clad in a studded black leather corset
and sporting a cat o' nine tails
with which she commands you obedience
as she orders you to do it. Or maybe it's just like, eh, why not, let's go pee in the dark!! Yes, there are many, many wonderful reasons why you might need to pee in the dark, and peeing in the dark always poses numerous obstacle
s which may be overcome by a bit of foreplanning.
Step 1: Get to the bathroom
This is what blind
people do all day every day. Walk slowly; visualise the places where pieces of furniture
are supposed to be. You may well find it helpful to grab a clothing article, such as a t-shirt
or a hoodie
, and kind of lightly swing
it around toward where you think things might be. It'll hit stuff before you do, but without making much noise. Once you touch down in the bathroom
, you might want to quietly close the door and turn on the light
if that's an option. Or, you might not. Once you turn that light on, it awakens your brain
, and good luck dropping right back to sleep, bud!! So keep it in the dark. Be cool, I'll tell you how.
Step 2: Find the toilet
Just getting in the bathroom is not enough (unless it's just as well if you pee in the sink
or the tub
, or on the floor
). No, trust me, you really want to pee in the toilet. This is easier than finding the bathroom. It's not that big of a room, so feel
your way around.
Step 3: Position yourself
For girls this is easier -- you just sloooowly sit down on the seat. Guys can do this to, but come on, man up and pee on your feet!! (No not on
....) Come to think of it, if you're a woman and you want to be adventurous about it, try peeing standing up as well. In the dark. Yeah.
For guys, what you want to do is inch forward until your shin
s are touching the toilet bowl. You'll know. It's porcelain
, it will be nice and cold
. Lift the seat
if it's down. Lean in just a bit and point your junior ranger
straight down. This, I grant you, may prove problematic if you're sporting wood
, either having awoken with it, or because your leather-corset clad dominatrix is torturing you by shoving lubricated beads
in your bumhole and stroking your balls with a riding crop
while you try to pee. That sly minx!!
Step 4: Pee
But pee you must, so let go with the flow. Usually that juvenile idiom includes a "yellow
" but sometimes pee is clear (or other colors, for myriad strange reasons), and you can't see it in the dark. In the dark, it's just "the flow".... Are you having a dream
that you are a butterfly
? Or are you a butterfly dreaming you are a man?
Now, you're peeing in the dark, but you ought to be able to tell right away if you're hitting the mark, for you'll hear the deep bubbling sound
of the pee plunging into the water
. The approximate concavity of the bowl causes the sound to become deeper as you hit the surface
over the deepest spot. Like a dolphin
guided by echolocation
, you may adjust your shot placement by listening to the sound. Usually the portion of the bowl nearest the front runs very shallow, and if you slowly move toward this end you can hit the porcelain point just above
the water line. This quiets your pee stream
like attaching a silencer
to a pistol
, and may graciously reduce the disturbance
factor for others.
For additional instruction, see how to urinate standing up
Step 5: Flush
Not absolutely necessary if you only let out a few drops. But probably better not to take chances. What will you be yelled at for worse, the noisy flush or the disgusting unflushed residue? Yeah, better flush. Oh, and put the seat back down!!
Before you flush, as well, as this will offer some mufflage to the noisage. And keep you from getting in a certain level of trouble when she gets up in the night to pee as well.
Step 6: Repeat step one in the inverse
That is, make your way out of the bathroom, and back to bed
. Congratulations!! You've just peed in the dark!!