WOMEN!

Tired of having to hover six inches above a urine-spotted toilet seat in order to pee? Sick of having to squat behind bushes to urinate when hiking? Desperate to win a pissing contest with an obnoxious, I-can-write-my-name-in-the-snow, male? Suffer no longer!

It may sound like a joke commercial for a fake product, but like most things, if you can imagine it, someone else has probably already put it into a brightly colored box and marketed it. Thus, we have the Whizzy and the TravelMate.

The delightfully-named Whizzy is simplicity itself; perhaps it is even suspiciously simple. Inventor Janis Wagner describes it as a folded piece of manila paper which is held between the legs and unfolded so that it forms a trough. A hole in the paper allows the whole thing to act as a funnel, enabling users to aim their stream and achieve a trajectory of up to eight inches, which ought to be more than enough for most yellow snow calligraphy.

It does sound remarkably like pissing into a hastily modified envelope though, and therefore less than impressive. Perhaps that's just because I'm male, and as such am stereotypically impressed by equipment. Conversely, Wagner was less than impressed by the more hardware-oriented solutions already on the market, which is why she set about designing her own. Then came the important step of naming it. Some of her early ideas for names were Urine Luck, Piss With This, Stand & Deliver, and E-Z-P. I have to say, I think Whizzy is a great name, but Urine Luck is pure genius.

Wagner was particularly dismissive of one of her competitors' devices which included a hose, remarking that it was obvious that a man had inverted it. The device she was referring to is almost certainly the TravelMate, and I have to say, from my own point of view it seems a much more robust alternative, though I can easily see why a woman might object to it, since it's basically a poorly designed penis with only one of the functions, none of the pleasure, and very little of the convenience.

The TravelMate consists of a six-inch long plastic tube with a trough at one end which 'conforms to the female anatomy' and a rectangular hole at the other end, designed to prevent trickle-back. Where it does definitely score over the penis is in the accessories department: there is an additional length of rubber hose which can be attached to lengthen the reach of the device, plus a choice of denim or tapestry custom carry pouches lined with 'water'-resistant nylon, featuring easy-access velcro compartments and a belt loop.

As if that wasn't enough, the web site claims that TravelMate can even eliminate the need for toilet-paper. "After use, most women find they can pull the TravelMate forward - the cradle tip 'wipes' off residual urine". Then I suppose they just shake off the drips and slip it back into its handy belt-mounted tapestry holster.

For women who find the idea of all this equipment a little off-putting but who would still like to be able to pee standing up, the TravelMate web site has generously shared details of the 'Finger-Assisted' method, which requires no hardware at all. I have excerpted the essential points below:

Using either hand, make a "V" with your first and second finger and spread the inside of your labia minora. (the INNER lips) Beginners may want to try using the fingers from both hands for better control.

Lift to the desired angle, then pee. (If you don't spread and lift, it could run down your leg.)

Apparently it is possible to become very adept at this method. The web site records many womens' experiences, along with handy hints and tips, and they certainly make it sound like fun. There's also a touching picture of a man and a woman standing side by side at twin urinals, her smiling, him staring down at her accomplishment, clearly astonished at her dexterity and handiwork. The phrase 'pissing contest' comes to mind again. And let's face it, no-one likes to lose one of those.


    Sources:
  • The full instructions for the Finger-Assisted method and the pissing contest photo are at http://www.restrooms.org/device-free.html
  • There is an interview with Janis Wagner, the inventor of the Whizzy, at http://www.utne.com/bBody.tmpl?command=search&db=dArticle.db&eqheadlinedata=Gotta%20Go%3F
  • The main TravelMate page, complete with pictures, is at http://www.travelmateinfo.com/introduction.html

    SEE ALSO : standing up while peeing and pee shooter


Is that a TravelMate hanging from your belt, or are you just pleased to see me?

A woman's guide to peeing standing up

A few important tips for beginners... not that I've tried it either...

  • Until you master the proper technique, try this in the shower. The only thing worse than getting piss all over your legs is getting it all over your legs, your pants and the bathrooom floor.
  • Also, it would be better to try this with a relatively full bladder. If your stream is weak, it'll probably just dribble all over your pants.
  • Don't constrict your urethra. If you do, urine will spray everywhere. If you don't know where your urethra is, and the piss is already spraying all over the place, then just thank your lucky stars you found this node and as a result decided to do it in the shower...
  • Use as much force as you can when peeing, while still maintaining control. Don't let the flow taper off gradually. When you're about 95% per cent finished, halt the flow abruptly, like flicking a switch. If you can't manage a rapid shut-off, then you'll likely end up with a lot of piss on your pants.
  • And most importantly, don't forget to wash your hands after (along with whatever else might need washing...)

Chiisuta brings you a little somethin’ for the ladies!

Misery Mountain. A favorite play-place, where all the south shore Long Island kids with cars and a taste for booze and cheap sex ended up sooner or later. A veritable museum of empty bottles and old, crusty condoms, there was no better place to get that special someone tanked enough to give in and give you a half-hearted hand job underneath the stars. It was considered by many of my high school’s top brass and the intellectually elite alike to be A-plus #1 make-out heaven.

Fuck that. I remember the November night I dropped a cigarette onto the floor of Ellen Lazarus' parents' Honda Accord on the way to Misery Mountain. It was the night that slut Laura Haworth tongued this punk called Snatch and then everyone followed suit, pairing off and leaving only myself and a lad named Buddha sitting on a lonely log. Over the course of my consuming two forty ounce bottles of Colt 45 (which works every time), Buddha brought up kissing me over and over again while we watched contorted mounds of teenage undulation off in the distance. Lucky for him, he wisely opted to quell his disgusting urges.

Which brings me to my point. I had to motherfucking PEE! Eighty ounces of pissbeer were sloshing around in my bladder, threatening to spill over. I would have bet good money that I was going to piss in my pants in the woods on a Saturday night while Greasy McJigglyfats tried to put the moves on me. As in the only time I've been closer to making an unauthorized pit stop in my trou were those times I actually did. So, giving the old brush off to my determined companion, I clutched my holy triangle and staggered to my feet. Then I circumnavigated the kissing kiddies, dancing like there was an ASS in my PANTS, to find me a tree.

Oh, I fucking peed alright, and how, letting loose a mighty torrent which hissed and steamed on the icy dirt. But although my stream was strong and I didn't wet my pants, those pants nevertheless could not have been called wholly dry. Had I only known then that which I know now. What I needed was not some sissy urination accoutrement with a cutesy name like Wee-Wee Mate. The thing that would have saved me from my dribbley pants fate was the MAD STANDING PEEING SKILLZ.

So you want to pee standing up, with pants pushed down only to mid-thigh with no chance of careless splash back? There is hope! You, too, can learn to make water like you watched your daddy do. But I can hear you fucking whiners right now. But Chii, why do I have to learn? Men never had to learn! WRONG! Men had to learn to HOLD THEIR DICKS. You ever seen what happens when a guy lets loose without holding on? Firehose! Then again I've known guys who’ve been holding their dicks for thirty years who still can’t piss a straight line. And ladies, it goes the same for you. All it takes is some CREATIVE PUDENDA PRESSING. Say it with me now. Good, I knew you could!

Now when you see how goddamned simple it is you'll realize why I needed an introduction the size of the freaking Bible. I'm going to take you through it, step by step, but first, heed this warning: Out of respect for thine elders, lovers, bosses and churchmen, practice in yon shower. For a goodly long time you will be feeling the hot tickle of piss running down your legs and I will be laughing at you because this is not a beginners luck kind of game. So, unless you're really into that sort of thing (and in that case, why bother practicing), keep it in the tub for a while. This isn’t hard to learn but it ain’t no pleasure cruise.

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TEACH ME HOW TO PEE STANDING UP RIGHT NOW YOU WORDY MOTHERFUCKER!

Step 1: Pull down your pants and panties!

Step 2: Bend at the knee! Not a lot, just a little!

Step 3.5: At this point you need to be like the scientist and experiment. Each body will be different – some ladies need to stand with feet shoulder width apart, some with feet together and some with a little somethin’ in between. OK!

Step 4: VICTORY! WE WON WW II! Make a victory sign (or a peace sign for you dirty hippies out there, who I bet can already pee standing anyway) and spread thy holy gates of heaven whilst also pulling up gently. Some women may want to only pull up. This another part that depends on YOU not ME because I am not coming over to do it for you.

Step 5: Give a little hip thrust and hold it (that’s it, you are one sexy bitch!).

Step 6: Piss. Piss hard and aim true. This should not be a problem as m_turner has informed me that chicks’ urethras, that’s yer pee tube, are wider and just generally kick more ass than guys’ puny urethras. You may need to learn to give a big old push near the beginning and end so as not to splatter urine on your silky underthings.

Step 7: Wipe, if necessary and wash you hands, you dirty girl!

That’s it. This is fucking pissing, not rocket science. Go forth and pee in the woods with ease and then teach your daughters. When they are teenagers, drunk and trying to avoid some slobbering behemoth of a man, they will thank you for it.


The really super serious FAQ

Chii, my mighty torrent is not so mighty! And it’s inaccurate! What can I do?

Practice makes perfect! You may need to strengthen the old Kegel muscles (your boyfriend will thank you for it and you will like it, too). During the day, in the course of normal sit-down urination, start and shut off the flow of urine numerous times during one pee. This will boost your powers of flow control. Try to maintain FULL POWER PRESSURE until the end of your urination. This will help strengthen the stream.

Why the fuck should I learn to pee standing when I am so good at sitting down??????

Because people at parties will think you are the raddest women there and from that point on, mad hot guys will want to make it with you. Did I mention, you will look cool standing in front of a urinal? Enough said!

Step-by-step Guide for Men

(complete with Difficulty Levels* for each step!)

1. Locate a suitable spot for upright urination.

Standard examples would include: men's toilets; bathroom; next to a tree (preferably discreetly). More adventurous possibilities include: through your next door neighbour's letter box; out of a car window; into any container that is at a higher level than your penis.

Difficulty Level: Moderate

2. Unzip your fly.

Difficulty Level: Easy

3. Locate your penis.

Difficulty Level: Variable

4. Pull your foreskin back

This prevents dangerous phenomena such as "dual urine trajectory" (aka "collateral damage").

Difficulty Level: Easy (non-circumcised) or Impossible (circumcised)

5. Adopt one of the standard urination poses

  • Two-hand Hold - for enhanced aiming
  • One-hand Rodeo Hold - one hand held in the air for dramatic effect
  • One-hand Drunkard Hold - one hand propping your body up against a hard object in front of you (wall, tree, etc.)

Difficulty Level: there is a urination pose for every occasion. As long as you choose the correct one, you should find this phase Easy

6. Urinate freely

Make sure to aim away from your feet, and keep your hands away from any "side spray" (which should have been eliminated by phase 2). A detailed explanation of quite how "free urination" should be performed is not necessary, as experience has shown that even very young children are quite capable of this muscular action.

Difficulty Level: Moderate

7. Gradually shift aim

As the power of the urine starts to dwindle, shift the aim upwards to maintain a safe trajectory.

Difficulty Level: Hard - this requires concentration, coordination, and years of experience

8. Shake your penis

Shake the penis a few times to disrupt the surface tension of any urine remaining near the exit end of the urethra. This will help to prevent wet patches forming on underwear.

Difficulty Level: it really depends on your attitude - if you don't mind splashing your clothes and face with urine you will find this step particularly enjoyable and Easy. More aesthetically aware urinators may find it Difficult to control the shaking to their own liking

9. Penis re-insertion

Carefully re-insert the penis into underwear and zip up fly.

Difficulty Level: normally Easy, however it is potentially HAZARDOUS

10. Wash hands

If a sink or other source of water is available, you should wash your hands (a toilet is not considered a source of water for these purposes). Be especially careful not to splash water on your clothes - people will think you are an uncouth urinator and all the effort you put into steps 1-9 will be wasted.

Difficulty Level: Moderate (loss of concentration at this late stage can cause difficulties)


* Difficulty Levels are only applicable to a sober urinator

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