For some inexplicable reason, I have had an intense fear and loathing of clowns for as long as I can remember. This all came to a head a couple of years ago when, whilst walking through a mall minding my own business, I passed a clown collecting money for a charity. Normally a charitable person, I would have donated had the said collector not been a clown, so I walked past, avoiding eye contact should he grimace or pull a nasty face and cause me to shit myself. As I walked on I became aware that he was following me. After a couple of turns in the mall he was still there. I spun around and let loose a stream of verbal sewage, too foul and nasty I couldn’t possibly taint your precious ears with gentle reader. The entire mall stopped and stared at nasty Tarquinious spouting this tirade of abuse at a cute, charity-collecting clown. I felt that I was harassed and intimidated into it, but there was nothing I could do. I left the mall a blubbering wreck.

It is for this reason that I have created a list of ways that you too can inflict pain and suffering upon clowns. Every time you go to a kid’s party, a circus, town fair, or other event sporting the evil, vile creatures named “clowns”, please practice one of the following:

Please feel free to add to this list, as I am sure there are many more ways to rid ourselves of these masked, satan-worshipping, hell-beasts.

  • Make him crawl naked (except for his nose and floppy shoes) through a field of broken glass into a pool of lemonade..
  • Pass him a cocktail of molten silver. Mmmm.. good to the last drop
  • Line the bottom of every pie tin in his next batch with spikes.. then cover with cream. One quick toss... and.. SPLAT!
  • Drop large, heavy objects on him. Think of those great cartoons.. where they drop safes, pianos, boats, airplanes, cars, and almost anything else weight over a ton on everyone..

I know that these are sick and twisted.. but it was all in the spirit of the writeup before mine. Gotta keep with the mood of these things, you know?

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