Life, the Universe, and How the Petting Zoo Eventually Destroyed us All

After reading The Bible Code, a book whose author purports to have deciphered secret messages hidden within our most holy text by applying numeric algorithms to the letters, words, and sentences of the Lord's Word, I knew that I had to give it a try myself. So I whipped out my Cray T3E-1200E, downed a couple of tabs of ephedrine with a big swig of Red Bull, and soon I was coding faster than Kevin Mitnick on crack cocaine.

And lo, what I would uncover would change the rest of my life forever.

I began by experimenting with the bible-code-uncovering powers of my own personal, closed-source, rigidly proprietary cipher algorithm. This resulted in some very interesting finds (discovered who killed Kennedy, what's hidden at Area 51, etc.) but then I came across James 1:19-20 and suddenly it all started coming together.

Here is the passage prior to DeBibleCodeification:
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.
But after we cipher the message—or, if you will, decode the message—we find the following:
Jurersber, zl orybirq oerguera, yrg rirel zna or fjvsg gb urne, fybj gb fcrnx, fybj gb jengu: Sbe gur jengu bs zna jbexrgu abg gur evtugrbhfarff bs Tbq.

Interestingly enough, this message is written in Springian, a language I had created just some minutes prior for my own personal, recreational use. Imagine my surprise when I found that God had placed a message in my own native tongue right here in the pages of the book of James! For those of you who don't know Springian (which, I suppose, would be all of you), allow me to translate:

Beware, young Springs, the animals of the petting zoo. Yea, for they are subtle creatures and easy to underestimate. Verily the day will come when they feast upon Man Flesh, and t'will all be lost. Expect the fall of man at the dawn of the year of 'aught-three.

I looked at my watch. "Holy shit," I said to myself, "I've only got eleven days before the petting zoo uprising!"

Fucking animals. All I can say is that we should have expected this. We should have known that their kind couldn't be trusted with the responsibilities of eating food, being petted by children, and not rising up to slay the humans who have enslaved them for petty amusement and monetary profit. Uppity little bastards.

I mean, what does it really say about an animal if it's in a petting zoo? Really? I mean, what, was laying 800 eggs a day in a factory farm too much for you, Mister Uppity Little Chicken? What about you, Mister Self-Important Veal Calf—what's your excuse?

And the llamas...what the fuck is up with them? What, just because you look all fucked up and shit, we're supposed to be all complacent and just pet your ass, while you and your buddies plot the downfall of humankind? Yeah, well fuck you Mister Pretentious Llama...fuck you right up your tight little conniving llama asshole!

I see you all now for what you really are: fluffy, cute, cuddly little DEMON SPAWN that want to suck my blood, eat my brain, and steal my Playstation II memory card so I can't save anymore and so I lose all the progress I've made in Grand Theft Auto. Fucking chickens, fucking llamas, fucking bunnies, fucking aardvarks, fucking ant eating little anteater motherfuckers.

Well, you're not gonna get me. You see, I've spent these last ten days barricading myself (and my PS2 memory card) in my own personal panic room. There's six hundred feet of solid steel between me and the outside world now, and nobody (or, more precisely, no murderous petting zoo pony or any of you other cock-gnawing motherfuckers) is getting in or out until this whole little insurrection is put down.

I'm eight miles beneath the surface, bunkered in tight with enough canned ham and Pringles to last me at least 34 years. And you little petting zoo bitches can't have a lick of any of it! Not a lick!

I can only imagine what it's like topside these days, what with the animals running wild and all the humans getting eviscerated in the streets and stuff. In fact, I'm kind of surprised that E2 is still up and running, but I guess that's just a sign that those wily petting zoo motherfuckers haven't yet begun to attack the information infrastructure, that they're limiting the collateral damage so they can move in and take over after all of humanity is extinct.

Fucking llama sons of bitches. Fucking rabbit motherfuckers. Asslicking motherfucking cock-a-fucking-doodle-do fuckers. Damn you all to hell.

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