If we can't find a way out of these problems
Then maybe we don't need this
In the late nineties and the early part of the 2000s I was involved in the Savage Garden
street teams, promoting their new (at the time) album, Affirmation. The
second song on this album is one we were promoting as a single, calling radio
stations requesting it, et cetera. I was part of a sort of family.
We laughed a lot but sometimes we were there to support each other in difficult
times. I had four friends I was especially close to: Barbara,
Dennis, Sian, and Mark. Dennis was Sian's brother and Mark was his best
friend. I was in a major depressive episode and Sian was in the hospital
recovering from abuse her father had
inflected on her.
Standing face to face
Enemies at war we build defenses
And secret hiding places
Dennis needed brain surgery for the same reason his
sister was in the hospital. He was rushed to the trauma room one night
during the time that we were planning ways to get the radio stations around the
world to play Hold Me. Barbara and I were on the computer talking
to each other throughout the night and she had contact with his doctor.
They had planned to do the surgery later that week but had to move it up because
of a clot. Not long after that I lost internet privileges and was unable
to speak to Dennis, Sian, and Mark but still had limited contact with Barbara.
I felt like I was stuck in a cave. All my fears and dreams were lurking
just outside the cave entrance.
I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say it's alright
I might need you to make the first stand
My mom caught me on the computer when she got up for work at six
am and I was punished by being restricted from the computer. I was a
college student and needed the computer but that did not matter to my family.
That morning I had class at nine am. I always got there about half an hour
or forty-five minutes early because I had to drop my siblings off at the
elementary school by eight. I went straight to the computer lab to check
my email for news on Dennis. She had talked to him just before he went
into surgery. He had asked her to tell me that he loves me and believes in
More than angry words I hate this silence
It's getting so loud
That day it was impossible to concentrate in any of my classes.
Even after going to bed that morning I got no sleep. I had just laid there
bawling. I tried calling radio stations requesting Hold Me by
Savage Garden but I cried even while I was asking to dedicate the song to my
dear friend. I'd never had a friend tell me they love me before. It
felt strange. He knew he might not make it through that surgery. I
knew it too and I cried at school. I excused myself more than once from
class to go into the bathroom and cry. Why was I crying about something
happening to someone on the other side of the world who I had never met and knew
I never would?
Well I want to scream
But bitterness has silenced these emotions
It's getting hard to breathe
I was not allowed to use the internet at home, and eventually
not even the computer at all after that so I
sat alone in silence during the nights and cried. The depression got
deeper and deeper with each passing night. My friends online helped me get
through the nights. They made them not so long. Having friends from
all around the earth made my world not so small, it let me be myself, the real
me, not the person behind the walls I'd built up.
So tell me isn't happiness
Worth more than a gold diamond ring?
I felt so lonely. I felt like no one in my life cared
about me except for some people I'd never see face to face except for photos.
Why did my family take them away from me? I could not understand it.
What did I do that was so terrible that everything I enjoyed was taken from me.
They said they were doing it for my own good but I just did not understand how
taking my only true friends away from me was helping me. I felt like I'd never be happy again.
I'm willing to do anything
To calm the storm in my heart
I've never been the praying kind
But lately I've been down upon my knees
Not looking for a miracle
Just a reason to believe
I talked to Barbara on the phone less and less. She had a
life and other friends. At the time I had no one. All my friends
were busy with their new lives as college freshmen and off into the working
world. I was alone. I was failing my classes because everything
needed to be done with a computer and the internet. My family blamed my
depression on spending so much time in front of "that damn computer". They
didn't realize it actually was helping me, giving me hope. I started
praying for the world to end. I started praying for a friend who would
give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be alright but that friend
I spent my nights in my room crying as I remember all the fun
I'd had talking to my friends and how much easier homework had been when I could
talk to someone about it. Now I had nothing and no one and it eventually
led me to the edge and I tried to kill myself. No one even knew I was that
depressed. I was the only one that realized I'd stopped living and was
just going through the motions. My family who saw me each and every day
had no clue. All my friends were too busy with their own lives to even
Do you remember not long ago?
When we used to live for the nighttime
Cherish each moment
Now we don't live we exist
We just run through our lives
That's why you've got to hold me
Lyrics from "Crash and Burn" by Darren Hayes and Daniel Jones
Used within fair use.