So, you want to go to hell
? You've purchased the right travel guide. Hell on Ten Dollars
will guide you to the cheapest, longest stays in hell, best suited for the stingy
traveler. Follow us, and we'll take you on a tour through the depths of Hades and back again
in time for spring break.
It's important to know the three major cities in Hell: Dis, Minauros, and Tantlin. We'll
be going through each one individually, with comments added by our editors, who are permanent
To reach Dis, the traveler must first move through Avernus. Avernus is quite a wasteland,
fiery and inhabited solely by demons. As such, it is an excellent photo opportunity. To pass
through Avernus and reach the city of Dis, one must first gain entry from Tiamat, the queen of
evil dragons. A good scratch under her neck will probably suffice.
Past the gate of Avernus is Dis proper. Dis is quite a large city (its urban sprawl
measures hundreds of miles across), and is spread out over a multitude of
altitudes. Be careful moving around the city, as it is quite easy to get lost in
its dark bowels and never re-emerge. Hitch-hiking is highly recommended as a mode of
Dis is legendary for its "rotting rivers", which flow for miles and miles, and are laden with
sewage and poisonous excretions. While they are not the best drinking water, the traveler
who enjoys scenic routes may find some pleasure in bedding down by the shores of the filthy
Editor Thom Sullivan: "There's nothing as romantic as sleeping by the fetid
waste of the Kybros!"
When your time in Dis is done, the next city on our voyage is Minauros. The entrance, however,
is guarded by Dispater
, the Hell lord who owns the city of Dis
. He has been the
destruction of many unwary souls; try running past him when he's not looking.
Minauros is a swampy city, much like the Everglades of Florida. The land is malleable and
soft; it is advisable to avoid walking the streets during the rainy season, which lasts for
an average of eleven months and twelve days each year. When seeking accommodations, one should
not remain for more than two days in any given hotel; as the city sinks into the ground, new
buildings are quickly built on top of the old, and a traveler could be trapped by the new
structures growing above them.
Editor Edward Hay: "Remember the rule in Minauros: Think Up!"
Near the city limits lie fields of rotting corpses. Should you be pursued by Hell's
authorities, you can simply lie down in the Fields of Death for a brief
while they search in vain. It is wise to be immunized before entering Minauros, as
diseases run rampant.
Chief Editor Howard Linka: "While some may refer to Minauros as 'hellish'
or 'a horrific place where death walks angrily and dying children shriek', it's probably my
favorite destination in Hell. You can't beat the dark lords for civic
improvement when they're constantly rebuilding each and every edifice. Minauros: It's a new
city every day!"
Tantlin is the capital of the Stygian realm. To reach it, one must ferry down the
River Styx and specifically request to be left in the city: Charon won't do it unless you
ask! Reaching the ferry is a difficult matter from Minauros; a three-day walk across the
Fields of Death will get you there. It would be even wiser to bring a bicycle.
Editor Thom Sullivan: "Remember to bring your coat to Tantlin! Since the
city is built on an ancient layer of thick ice, it can get pretty chilly, even on those fiery
When in Tantlin, put in the effort to see Geryon
, its evil master. Our own Editor Sullivan
reports that Geryon tells a mean blond joke
while he grinds you into mash with his barbed
Youth hostels available.