You just know that this idea is kicking around in the head of some marketing nitwit and will eventually blossom forth on the big screen like a giant, fruity fart.

I can almost see the opening scrolly...

A long, long time ago in a cyberspace far, far away on the edge of the Electronic Frontier the Evil Regulation has clamped down on the happy-go-lucky activities of the noble residents of Cyberia...

coming to a theatre near you January 21, 2000.

Ritchie: "Don't center on your anxieties, Mitnick. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs."

Mitnick: "But master Thompson said I should be mindful of the future."

Ritchie: "But not at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the living forge, Parawan."

Mitnick: "Yes, master."

A droid comes in and offers them drinks.

Ritchie: "This is taking too long. Shimomura should have sent a representative by now."

Meanwhile, on the bridge of the U.S.S. Loser, Shimomura speaks over the holographic communications link to Senator Al Gore.

Gore: "Eliminate them."

Meanwhile, back in the meeting room, bovine excrement begins pouring out of the walls.

Ritchie: "Bullshit!"

They both hold their breath and pull their light sabres, then plow through the door and attack the military droids. Unable to get into the bridge, they hitch a ride to the planet surface on one of the troop transports.

The scene changes to show Mitnick running through the forest with his light sabre drawn, running from legions of gun-toting nutjobs with acronyms like "SS", "ATF", and "FBI" on their jackets. He runs into some babbling idiot.

Mitnick: "Who are you?"

Idiot: "Meesa John Markoff. Meesa New York Times Reporter. Meesa stupid. Pleesa don't hurt me. Meesa just idiot writing incorrect stuff."

Mitnick: "Calm down. I won't hurt you. What kind of stuff do you write?"

Markoff: "Meesa said evil hacker Kevin Mitnick broke into NORAD."

Mitnick, fuming and waving his light sabre at Markoff: "YOU! You're the moron who's been lying about and demonizing me!" He adopts an almost Klingon-like posture. "Defend yourself!"

Markoff puts up his hands in a frail defense: "No no NO! Meesa John Markoff! Meesa great reporter! Meesa New York Times reporter! Meesa no hurt yousa!"

Mitnick: "What about your libellous and defamatory articles, you snivelling little toad?"

Markoff: "Meesa no intending to hurt! Meesa just make shit up. Meesa make Shimomura look like hero! Mee---"

Mitnick screams in rage and decapitates Markoff with his light sabre in one mightly blow. Markoff's head goes flying across the forest and bounces off a tree. The part of the neck still attached to the body is smoking, and the head is on fire. Ritchie comes around a forest path, fighting off some of Shimomura's attack droids.

Meanwhile, in the Naboo Palace, Queen Portman (no, not Amidala) is discussing policy matters.

Advisor: "A communications interruption can mean only one thing... The FBI tried to wiretap us and screwed it up again. I can mobilize some volunteer troops and the police forces. We can put up a fight."

Amidala: "I will not condone a course of action which will lead us to war. And what of the hackers that the Senate sent to negotiate a resolution to this unpleasant business?"

Meanwhile, back on the seat of the Republic, the planet Clueless, Senator Gore is speaking to the Siith Lord, Darth Freeh.

Gore: "Go to Naboo. Find these hackers and eliminate them."

Freeh: "At last they will know our true strength. At last we will have our revenge."

Ten minutes later, the film shows several Naboo residences on fire. Freeh has dispatched military droids with laser blasters to lay down suppression fire at all exits from the burning buildings. Everyone in the buildings die.

The scene changes to the Naboo Palace, where Queen Portman is fighting with her royal court and some soldiers. Hacker Master Ritchie and Hacker Apprentice Mitnick approach a large reinforced door, which suddenly opens to reveal Darth Freeh.

Ritchie (to the Queen): "We'll handle this."

Both Ritchie and Mitnick remove their cloaks and draw their light sabres, adopting a defensive stance. Duel of the Fates plays. Darth Freeh attacks them.

Ritchie and Mitnick lead a spectacular fight. The fight takes them through the Halls of Data, which is a virtual reality filesystem similar to what is pictured in "Hackers". Eventually, they reach a hallway where Ritchie uses his powers with the Force to erect forcefields so that he can rest. Unfortunately, Darth Freeh fights him and Mitnick is unable to join his master immediately, as he is locked behind a forcefield farther down the hall.

Darth Freeh paces impatiently, throwing obscenities. After a minute Master Ritchie stands up and the forcefields drop. Darth Freeh immediately attacks Master Ritchie. Mitnick runs down the hall, but is caught by another force field, just out of reach of his master.

Darth Freeh and Master Ritchie fight. Ritchie fights bravely, but Darth Freeh runs him through with his light sabre, then turns his attentions towards Mitnick, who is obviously quite enraged.


The force fields drop again, and Mitnick rushes out and fights with Darth Freeh.

Freeh: "You are under arrest---" The light sabres buzz. "---for violating the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act."

Mitnick and Freeh fight some more, while Darth Freeh continues to cite stupid laws. Mitnick finally gets a lucky opening and slices Darth Freeh in half. Darth Freeh falls down a ventillation shaft, the two parts of his body flapping in the breeze.

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