In a world where actions speak louder than words...
(cue drum beat/string ensemble)

RUSSIAN DIPLOMAT
I stand before you all today to protest--

AMERICAN DIPLOMAT
(Morgan Freeman)
There is no protest!

In a land scarred by time and cluster bombs...

IRAQI 1
How about 50 AK-47's for that bowl of gruel?

IRAQI 2
They'd better have firing pins, or you're getting a frag grenade in your hookah.

In A.D. 2003, war was beginning.

HUSSEIN
They fear our missiles.

AIRCRAFT CARRIERS amass in the Persian Gulf.

...we will show them a new kind of fear.

PROTESTORS envelop Manhattan.

CHENEY
(Ed Asner)
Mr. President, the time is near.

BUSH turns to CHENEY in utter disbelief.

BUSH
Don't you "Mr. President" me, and don't you think I know that?

PIERCE BROSNAN as Tony Blair
INT. COMMONS - DAY

BLAIR
(coolly)
Screw you guys. I'm going home.

SIDNEY POITIER as Colin Powell

POWELL
Our options thus spent, Mr. President, we can only go softly...

BUSH, gazing out the Oval Office window, turns around to face POWELL.

BUSH
Soft...? Like a carpet...? Of napalm!

WAYNE KNIGHT as Kim Jong Il*

KIM
BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA! BUSH NO HIT ME!

HU JINTAO (Jet Li) decks him.
CHRIS KATTAN as George W. Bush
INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT

BUSH
This action will be short, one-sided, and very, very painful for them.
...and perhaps, but most probably not, our boys as well.
...boys and girls, I mean. Of course.

DIRECTOR (V.O.)
Cut! Do it again.

BUSH
Son of a BITCH!

BENICIO DEL TORO as Saddam Hussein

HUSSEIN
The miss-ile is lovely, no? So sexy, in its own, subtle, subtle way.

TARIQ AZIZ
(Henry Kissinger)
Sir, are you all-

HUSSEIN
Release the hounds!

and JAMES CROMWELL as Donald Rumsfeld

in

GULF WAR II
RETURN TO THE DESERT

GEORGE BUSH
(Dana Carvey)
Sca-a-ary!

FADE OUT on a shot of burning oil fields.

rated PG-13
now playing at a theater near you


* foreshadowing his lead role in Korean War II, of course.

Uncredited in the trailer: Marlon Brando as Ariel Sharon, Rowan Atkinson as Jean Chretien, James Gandolfini as Jacques Chirac, Snoop Dogg as Osama bin Laden, and Ben Stein as Ari Fleischer.

I swear to God I'm going back on the covenant as soon as it's over.

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