stricken in front of a huge cinnamon roll
...I inadvertently got into a situation
where I had to eat it, otherwise it would be rude
. I literally panicked, I wouldn't expect a lot of people to understand
what this feels like, thoughts raced through my mind as I tried to come up with a number, any number, just to stop the panic
. 800 (better to overshoot than undershoot). All of the calories
that I'd eaten yesterday condensed into one pastry
that I have to sit here and eat right now
. It's okay, I told myself, I can always go home and throw it up afterwards.
I know that I should be eating more than I am though, I know that if I eat less than 1,200 calories per day (which I've been doing regularly), my metabolism is going to get even more fucked up, so I need to eat. I decide to keep the cinnamon roll, and I'll eat broccoli and cottage cheese for dinner. Even with the knowledge that I need some sort of energy for my body to run on, I still can't shake the guilt as this mass of carbohydrates sits uncomfortably in my stomach.
Guilty if I eat, guilty if I don't, and guilty if I try to strike some sort of compromise.