It seems God has blessed
me with the inability to express my feelings and thoughts to people in via verbal communication
. For almost as long as I can remember, I have had this affliction
, but by no means is it a bad thing. Certain topics that are thought-provoking
still remain so, but it just gives me more time to reflect on them than those who blurt out half-formed ideas and opinions. But my "speech impediment
" certainly has been a hinderance on personal relationships
in my life.
Once I met a kid at camp. We were almost exactly alike in regards to opinions, likes, dislikes, et cetera. The only difference was that he had no problems verbalizing his opinions, while I on the other hand...
Kid: So you like that band too? I think their music is cool, I can relate to a lot of stuff they talk about.
Me: (Yeah. I like their positive outlook on life. Their whole attitude is just something that the younger generation should look up to as a role model.) Yeah.
But this isn't just an isolated example. Whenever I would find myself talking to someone and a certain topic I found interesting comes up, I just freeze up. I'm not scared. I'm not mad. I just can't talk about it. And it saddens me to no end. Just to think of all the friends I've missed out on, all the people I never had the chance to get to know. All the chances I could have had to touch somebody's life in a good way. It's depressing to say the least.
So how exactly do I maintain my sanity? How do I release all the emotions and feelings that build up inside, inevitably causing pressure on me? Do I let it build up until it reaches critical mass and release it in a ball of rage and fury? Nope. Do I just hide it all inside of me, sweeping it under a rug, hoping that someday it will go away? Nah. Do I cry myself to sleep every night, realizing what a complete and utter failure I am and always will be? No.
I write it down.
I like to write things down. Whenever I feel happy, sad, bored, ecstatic, confused, or whatever, I like to write it down. It's funny how writing everything down can evoke the same feelings in me when I read it years later. Can't do that when you talk to somebody. I write major events in my life, places I go, people I meet, things like that. When I read it later, I feel like I am actually there again, reliving the moments. Kind of like a camcorder, in word form.
I'm not afraid to talk in words either. I love talking to people online. I can express thoughts, ideas, and feelings much more freely and easily than I can with people face to face. Albeit it's not normal. But who the hell cares about normal? It's me, it's who I am, it's what I know. And I love it. Just imagine how it would feel to give a blind man his sight back. Or a deaf woman her hearing back. Or a mute man his voice back. That's the power of words for me. And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.