A node in my continuing line of Weapon of Choice nodes.

A while ago, I had a conversation with my friend Kimmy (random name to protect identity) on ICQ.

It started out as a "Hi, what's up?" small talk like all conversations start off, but it got to the point pretty quickly. Kimmy had just been dumped by her boyfriend Joey (more random names!). Kimmy was pretty obsessed with Joey at the time, and she probably felt horrible. She told me that Joey had dumped her because she wasn't exactly "swimsuit model material". (Joey says what he thinks. So he's truthful I guess. A truthful pervert. But he's pretty funny at times.)

The problem is that I'm friends with both Kimmy and Joey, and I don't want to take sides on the whole thing. So when Kimmy asked me to confront Joey about it, I decided to use humor to get out of the situation, and to hopefully make Kimmy feel a bit better. This is what my brain came up with:

Kimmy: Be mean to Joey next time you see him.

Me: Well... okay. Tell you what. I'll attack him for you.

Kimmy: Um.... Really...?

Me: Yeah, with a frozen fish. I'll come up behind him and club him over the head. Then I'll spear him through the middle with it.

Kimmy: With a frozen fish???

Me: Yeah! Why not?

Kimmy: You would do that? You're such a nice person!

Then I thought about it. Why not? If you worked at the seafood section of a super market, and someone attacked you... why not? Just grab the largest frozen fish you can lay your hands on and wack the attacker over the head. Granted you need to pick the right fish, so here are some helpful hints:

1. Make sure the fish is frozen.
If it's not frozen, it might still be alive. A live fish probably won't be able to knock someone out in one blow. Same thing goes for a thawed fish, but thawed fish tend to be a bit slimey and could easily slip out of your hands. The stiffer it is, the less it will give at the impact point, and the more hit points of damage you will do.

2. Make sure the fish is pretty long.
The longer the better. The longer the fish, the greator the speed at which it will hit the intended target. (Think of a baseball bat compared to a wooden pencil) Since Energy = .5 * Mass * Velocity^2, Greator velocity has 4 times the effect on impact force.So more speed means more whallop for your fish. (Exception: A short fish, one you can fit in one hand may be able to be used as a one handed piercing type weapon. Similar to a short dagger in Everquest. Or if it's a spear fish, treat it as a two handed piercing type weapon.)

3. Make sure the fish is pretty hefty.
This is similar to tip #2. The more mass a fish has, the higher the impact force, the greator subdual damage points you can do. This isn't as important as #2 since velocity effects the impact energy 4 times more than this, but mass still helps. You also want to make sure your fish does not break in half when you strike your opponent. You want the blow to move through his/her head, not break when it hits his/her head.

4. Make sure the fish is not a trout.
Nobody deserves to be trout slapped. That's just plain annoying.

If you are able to see the attacker in time to prepare your offense, you might also consider finding a toothy fish and ripping out it's lower jaw. When you swing, try to aim the top row of teeth at your attacker's eye. It's quite effective if pulled off correctly.

This has been idea number #465 in Kefabi's upcoming book, "What to do if you're attacked at the Seafood Section of a Super Market". Make sure to order your copy today!

This is a true story. The conversations were paraphrased, and names were changed, but other than that, 100% true baby!

Tuesday August 1, 2000 10:57 AM ET

Giant Swordfish Impales Man

ACAPULCO, Mexico (Reuters) - A giant swordfish hooked off the Mexican coast jumped into the fisherman's boat and stabbed the man through his abdomen, a hospital spokesman says.

Dr. David Mendoza Millan of the General Hospital in the Pacific resort of Acapulco said Jose Rojas Mayarita, 39, was reeling in the 10-foot marlin on Saturday when the fish leaped from the waves and landed on him.

The marlin's spear pierced the fisherman's abdomen and came out the other side. Rojas drifted for two days in his boat, unable to get up, until another vessel rescued him.

He was treated on Monday and was under observation in hospital.


Friday February 22, 2002 11:40 AM ET

Man Stabbed with Swordfish in Fight

MADEIRA BEACH, Fla. (Reuters) - A Florida fisherman was recovering on Friday after being stabbed with the bill of a swordfish during a fight with another man, a sheriff's spokeswoman said.

Police arrested Frank Ashmus, 46, and Garth Spacek, 42, on Thursday after the two fishermen allegedly started fighting near a dock in Madeira Beach, a small city on Florida's Gulf Coast.

Police said that after Spacek hit Ashmus in the head with a beer bottle and left, Ashmus went to Spacek's apartment and stabbed him in the abdomen with a sharp detached bill of a swordfish.

"We don't see this kind of thing very often," said Pinellas County Sheriff spokeswoman Marianna Pasha.

Both men were drunk, according to police.

Ashmus and Spacek were held without bond on charges of aggravated battery. Spacek was in fair condition, Pasha said.

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