A node in my continuing line of Weapon of Choice nodes.
A while ago, I had a conversation
with my friend Kimmy (random name
to protect identity
) on ICQ
It started out as a "Hi, what's up?" small talk
like all conversations start off, but it got to the point pretty quickly. Kimmy had just been dump
ed by her boyfriend
Joey (more random names!). Kimmy was pretty obsessed
with Joey at the time, and she probably felt horrible
. She told me that Joey had dumped her because she wasn't exactly "swimsuit model material
". (Joey says what he thinks. So he's truthful
I guess. A truthful pervert
. But he's pretty funny
The problem is that I'm friend
s with both Kimmy and
Joey, and I don't want to take sides on the whole thing. So when Kimmy asked me to confront
Joey about it, I decided to use humor
to get out of the situation
, and to hopefully make Kimmy feel a bit better. This is what my brain
came up with:
: Be mean to Joey next time you see him.
: Well... okay. Tell you what. I'll attack
him for you.
: Um.... Really...?
: Yeah, with a frozen fish
. I'll come up behind him and club him over the head. Then I'll spear him through the middle with it.
: With a frozen fish???
: Yeah! Why not?
: You would do that? You're such a nice person!
Then I thought about it. Why not? If you worked at the seafood
section of a super market
, and someone attacked you... why not? Just grab the largest frozen fish you can lay your hands on and wack the attacker over the head. Granted you need to pick the right fish, so here are some helpful hints:
1. Make sure the fish is frozen.
If it's not frozen, it might still be alive
. A live
fish probably won't be able to knock
someone out in one blow
. Same thing goes for a thaw
ed fish, but thawed fish tend to be a bit slimey
and could easily slip
out of your hands. The stiff
er it is, the less it will give at the impact point
, and the more hit points
you will do.
2. Make sure the fish is pretty long.
The longer the better. The longer the fish, the greator the speed
at which it will hit the intended target
. (Think of a baseball bat
compared to a wooden pencil
) Since Energy = .5 * Mass * Velocity^2, Greator velocity
has 4 times the effect on impact force
.So more speed means more whallop
for your fish. (Exception: A short fish, one you can fit in one hand may be able to be used as a one handed piercing type weapon
. Similar to a short dagger in Everquest
. Or if it's a spear fish, treat it as a two handed piercing type weapon.)
3. Make sure the fish is pretty hefty.
This is similar to tip #2. The more mass
a fish has, the higher the impact force, the greator subdual damage point
s you can do. This isn't as important as #2 since velocity effects the impact energy 4 times more than this, but mass still helps. You also want to make sure your fish does not break in half when you strike
. You want the blow to move through
his/her head, not break when it hits his/her head.
4. Make sure the fish is not a trout.
Nobody deserves to be trout slap
ped. That's just plain annoy
If you are able to see the attacker in time to prepare your offense
, you might also consider finding a toothy fish and ripping out it's lower jaw. When you swing
, try to aim the top row of teeth at your attacker's eye
. It's quite effective
if pulled off correct
This has been idea number #465 in Kefabi's upcoming book, "What to do if you're attacked at the Seafood Section of a Super Market". Make sure to order
This is a true story. The conversations were paraphrased, and names were changed, but other than that, 100% true baby!