i'd thought i should lend myself to the night.. there is more than walls or this plastic world, and so i did leave here but it was not as i'd hoped it might be. i'd wander more often if i thought it would matter.. i remember, always, the lights of a city, headlights on pavement, especially when it is wet. wet cities at night, reflecting lights and through droplet covered windshield the city glow falls from my eyes and slides slowly down cold skin.

i know when it is going to snow because,
i can feel it in the air before it falls.
the first snows always bring too many
memories and feelings, and i know when the
white fluff will melt away or stay.

i've never been so close to any human, and then had them stolen away. i have not experienced death firsthand. i have watched it in others eyes and saw tears for people and little human brains full of so much content and feeling and memory, all gone. the hospital last night seemed cold or maybe it was the approaching snowfall and.. they ended a life there, so very near where i walked and my head dropped but i don't know why. i watched faces of people i have never met, but had seen more than once this past week, milling about the icu, looking distraught and sad, too sad.

what is it like to know you are not long for this world?
what is it like to know that you are losing a piece of yourself?

it's peculiar, when all i am really sure of is that i've no idea what happens after now. it doesn't bother me so much. i'd like the snow to stay.. i don't want to see the cold dying grass anymore. i need this.

right now, i am standing in an airport and, your fingers are sliding between mine and.. holding. this is where i need to be. it makes the hurt feel farther away.

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