Terminal E of Logan Airport. Two beings, in the deepest form of love that can be..At this moment I will be clasping my fingers around yours.. Never in my entire life have I been so beyond inarticulately emotional, let alone this much in love.

I never asked for such wonderful treatment, but I feel as though I'm the most blessed boy alive in this universe.

Thank you for being so you. I could never ask for more.

I love you, now and forever.

Everything Day Logs
Yesterday | Tomorrow
Editor Log | Daily Evil | Dream Log

Everything Snapshot

Time: Mon, 20 Nov 2000 00:20:42 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_ssl/2.4.10 OpenSSL/0.9.4 mod_perl/1.21_03-dev

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JeffMagnus node of the day: Windows Error Lookup Guide

It's been cold for three days now, today it's fourty degrees fahrenheit and wet. Nasty weather, but great for incense and open windows - so that was my day, save for working out and twenty pages of editing. Hell, it's a sunday before a huge week; lunch with Claire on tuesday, I'll be in Boston for thanksgiving and the day after, next weekend will be quite party-ladden back in Mobile.

I saved ten dollars and eight cents today.

woohoo!

You see I have this Star Market card. When the cashier swipes the card, any specials on the items takes affect. Sometimes it's under a dollar and sometimes it adds up to a few dollar. Well to cut the chase, I saved $10.08 today. I suppose I could buy enough stuff to have savings add up to that but this was a $10 savings over $34. So I only paid $23.63. That's savings of 32%.

This is a personal best.

And now back to our regular programming of drunkenmonkey's life.
... don't laugh.

My Palm IIIe has just had it's screen broken.

Again.

I really am quite upset about this.

Why can't they make them less harder to damage? The idiots at Palm want them to be fragile so you can buy replacements. I am feeling emotionally distraught, and depressed. Perhaps I will go get eaten by the EDB.

It matters little to me.

back | days | forth

Something lost and something gained...

Today, after yesterday, I am still in shock. The things that happened to me, the words that were said have shaken me to the core of my being. I am still trying to examine the hurt, hold my heart up to the light and see the emotions pulsing through the red glow. But I'm still in shock. It feels empty somehow, a void gaping where there should be tears, insults, shouting and violence.

I lied; I didn't cry last night, my eyes watered quite a bit, but tears didn't flow. I wanted to cry, but I think my defence was to simply remain empty, in shock

Yet I am still deeply in love, I still woke up seeing the things I saw yesterday morning, I still walk with my hand in hers

Waking up after all this happened: Get up and run to the bathroom, I think I am late. Stay in the bath for ages, pondering what has passed. Shave carefully and remember her watching me.

In work after all this happened: Talking and apologising to mark, telling him what yesterday did to me. Trying to join in the Monday morning conversations, but failing; retreating to my desk to pour my feelings into this daylog.

I suppose these logs are my way of coming to terms with these feelings, my way to examining myself. You see, dear reader, these words are only 10% of my thoughts on any given subject. Composing these paragraphs let me go over things that have happened, things that at the time may go unexamined.

My mother, whilst driving me to work this morning, had no clue that I was so empty. I told her that I phoned my aunt and, again, she was very upset. I don't really understand the hatred that has built up between those four sisters. All I know is that I am missing out on seeing my aunts and that my mother's anger causes me pain.

This reaction from her has convinced me never to attempt to contact my father for fear of the consequences.

We all make mistakes, I forgive all that has happened from the deepest wells of my heart.


11:55 GMT

I hope the above gets across sadness, not anger; I am not angry, I don't think I ever was...

And, another thing to lighten my shallow little mind; my mobile phone (ericsson T28s) turned up, and very nice it is too...

12:07

On saturday I noticed that the best cure for feeling lonely and down might not be spending the night alone with somber music and a few glasses of white wine. Somewhere around 2am - when my weariness got me a lot more discombobulated than the small amount of alcohol - I came close to submitting some silly crap to E2. Fortunately I could stop myself before hitting the button. Last time I posted something in such a pathetic state it became my highest-ranking WU, but I'd rather node something of real value instead.
This writeup is naturally an exception to the rule. :)

After a few months of braindead PHP typing, I suddenly need to get creative again. This job might not offer much of a salary, but at least there are challenges: I have less than two weeks to create a "stunning" set of gfx for a big service - from scratch. Uhm.. thanks, boss.
If I don't come up with something ingenous soon I'll be on prozac before next week's Friday. But it's simply impossible to kickstart one's brains on a Monday, so I'll just spend the day checking out similar services for inspiration.

Almost forgot - time for the traditional (?) Monday whining.
Could everyone please stop hyping the "mobile internet revolution"?
Cell Phones are replacing computers in using the 'net? Yeah, right. There are those who are on the road all the time and need to work while travelling, but they've already got their laptops and GSM connections. It will be the second ice age in hell when you'll see a regular person like me browsing a stripped-down version of the WWW - or doing just about anything net-related - with a tiny 2-colour screen, when I can have a 19" monitor, a mouse and a keyboard. And why do I need to use some fancy WAP service to order my movie tickets, when I can just call the theater?
Maybe I'm just stupid, but I don't see much substance in this whole craze. Sure, there may be some useful implementations of this technology. But most of the functions can be done just as well by "traditional" means, without having to spend all that $$$.
The Emperor has no clothes.
Sorry for the rant. Did I mention it's Monday?

i feel so stupid.

okay, here's a piece of advice. never get a dog on impulse. see, i had a dog and he died just over a month ago. i figured i understand what the needs of a dog are and was ready to meet them. unfortunately i neglected to remember that my old dog was just that. an old dog. deaf and blind, not very active. quiet. the new dog, cozmo, is under a year old and looks like a mostly tibetan terrier mutt. he is about the same size as my old dog. he is cute, absolutely cute. but he's so active and i don't know if i can give him everything he needs as an active dog. i live in an apartment. i work more than 8 hours a day. i live close enough to walk him at lunch, but... he's still a puppy, so he's being crated while i'm not there until he can be trusted to have run of the house while i'm gone. i know that's the right thing to do for any indoor dog being introduced to a new house, but i feel terrible about it. he'd be fabulous with kids but i am a single, fairly unreliable 24 year old.

i want to cry. i feel selfish and mean. this dog is wonderful and cute but he deserves to have a backyard to run around in. i feel like i got him to patch a hole in my heart left by danny's death, but i didn't stop to think about what would be best for this dog. i also got him because i'm a sucker. i went to the pet store looking for kitty litter and out of nowhere this dog comes bounding towards me. turns out the humane society is there with pets for adoption. i couldn't bear to leave him there.

i feel so stupid. craig, you were right.
addendum: things may work out, and if they don't then my mother will take the dog in (which is a fabulous dog environment). my neighbour mentioned that he was considering hiring someone to walk his dog during the day -- living so close to home means i could do this for him during the week in exchange for him walking my dog on saturdays and sunday mornings. if he is up for this barter, then leaving home for a weekend won't be such a big deal. i think i will leave a note on his door proposing this.

things will work out. for the best. for me. for cozmo. i will do everything i can for him, and if it seems as though that still isn't enough, i will take him to my mother's, where there are woods, other dogs, plenty of room to run (far away from busy roads).
i just don't know. i feel so awful. i got this little guy without solidly thinking it through. i'm still at the stage where i don't necessarily miss having a dog, i miss having MY dog, danny. i just want to cry and cry.

on another note. it is now snowing. the last time i looked out my window it was bright and sunny. then i look out and i am expecting to see a funnel cloud. it's dark. dark dark. and there are leaves just flying around and around in circles. then as i'm looking i see the precipitation roll in. to my surprise, at least part of it is snow. so i went downstairs and outside to have a smoke. it's rain and snow currently. the first of the season here (just outside Washington, DC). ugh.
go home. make dinner. feel like my cat hates me for bringing cozmo home. feel like i've estranged my boyfriend. i feel so sad but i don't see how i can feel so much over so little. i must be overreacting but even thinking logically about everything i just feel like curling into a little ball and crying. i miss danny. that's at the heart of it. but once that wears off, do i really want to (can i logically) keep cozmo. i don't know.

Well .. I woke up on the monday morning, one whole more week of school :( I have no lessons for the rest of the day, however I cannot go home at this time because I have prefect duty in the afternoon. I have a headache, I have been thinking about Mark lots, and my brain has gone into overtime. I didnt sleep well last night either, I had thoughts running through my head constantly over and over. And at about 3am (after not falling to sleep yet). My asthma sprung on me, I tried to fight it but in the end I gave up and walked downstairs in the dark to try and locate my Trusty inhaler. NOW CFC FREE!!.. but oh well. Im gonna go buy some stamps so I can post my letters to Dizzy and Mark.

[Dream Log]

15:31

Today's wake up log: Woke up at 8 or so. Turned on TV and all that. Decided to go to the university at 9:30 or so. Closed eyes a bit. When I opened them, it was 12:30 or whatever again, way too late to do anything... =(

::sighs::

Headache hit me once again, too...

Well, I had a strange dream. And when I woke up, I took Mikko from the floor and hugged him once again. =)

16:19

I think I need to make coffee to shake the dream off my head... =) (In case you don't get that joke, see this. =)

Stupid Spammer Tricks, part n+10^6:

Date: 11/19/00
From: Nicole<Nicole81@mail.com&#gt;
Subject: Hi! It's me again
To: Nicole81@mail.com
X-Mailer: E-mail sender

Spammer sent stuff to "Kenny", claiming Kenny's old girlfriend has taken some n00ghti pictures of the spammer when she was drunk, and posted them as the month's "featured slut" pictures. And don't tell anyone. Right. URL had decimal ip once again. With "remove instructions".

I mean, only the most stupidest of the stupid could fall on that. The sender obviously is not a black-powder-inventor herself (himself? or would "itself" be more accurate?) since she sent mail to herself - that alone sends the credibility of the mail through the floor!... =)

Nayyy, the spam gets more and more strange every day.

Reminds me of the West Corner of the Park 04-07-1998: "Oh my God!! They spammed Kenny!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!!!" <http://www.graphxpress.com/wcotp.cgi?id=41>

20:27

Perl 5.6, at last!

Hooray, my Debian Experience® is now perfect! =)

(And Schedulist still bombs... Ah, I see, the problem is probably in the script, not in the interpreter... =)

22:38

chick.com and IIS: There's slow, and then there's slow...

23:31

Avoid noding about noding.

(I think that stuff was long enough to be noded separately...)


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Dream Log: November 20, 2000 In The Beginning God Hates Fundies Avoid noding about noding

I haven't exercised since I moved into my temporary home.

Temporary home.

This is at the core of why I feel so disconnected. Because I have no place of my own. I don't even have an apartment of my own. I have a room in a house in which I plan to stay until April, and then move on.

Transient.

This is fine, in the long run. I don't mind knowing exactly when I'll be moving on to somewhere else. It's actually comforting to know when I have to start looking for a new place.

But in the short term, I'm floating through my routine without any sense of grounding.

I'm still not sad that we sold the house I grew up in. I'm a little startled that it has happened, though, even though I knew it was going to be sold for almost a year now. But just last Friday, it was final. Now my home for 23 years, the home I grew up in, is owned by someone else, and I'm not welcome there anymore.

Another sign of how impersonal life in Western society can become. I'm sure there's some culture in which you're likely to be welcomed back into the home where you were born, even if only to visit. But we sold the house through a realtor to someone we barely have even met, and have no intention of ever meeting again, much less visit.

I've been feeling really strange and off kilter the past couple of days. One contributing factor may be that school gets pretty flaky this time of year with all parties involved preparing for holiday gluttony and sleeping until you get a headache. I'm also getting sicker. If you have an extra pancreas around please send it.

We watched part of the Spike Lee documentary about the bombings in Birmingham. I think that Spike Lee should stick to the facts. After completely fucking up and distorting the life of Malcolm X in what for some people may be the only exposure they get to the man, I was pretty pessimistic about Lee's future.

I found out about a different way to cook turkey that sounded really good but seems way too expensive after doing a little checking. There was an article in a local freebie magazine that was praising the Southern tradition of deep frying turkey. Since I am an advocate of nearly all things fried, I decided this might be worth a try. Guess what? Ten gallons of peanut oil at a whack is too much for my budget. I know that most people equate studying sociology with a swinging, playboy lifestyle but I will be eating no fried turkey this year. Anyone done this before or even eaten the bird deep fried?

On the bus ride here I tried to give this homeless woman my gloves and she got really upset at me. I understand that maybe a public place isn't the best for giving clothes to people who need them but this woman was so underdressed that I couldn't really stop myself. I've lived in both New York City and San Francisco so I'm not exactly shocked by the idea of homeless people. The clothes that this woman was wearing really fucked with me though. The only shoes she had were slippers covered with duct tape and tied (with plastic bags) to what looked like lumber scraps. Yeah, slippers strapped to pieces of wood. Anyway, the situation has been bothering me all morning. How do you handle these situations? This woman obviously needs some help and isn't getting it. How do you offer help without seeming like some well fed asshole with a little seasonal philanthropy itch to scratch. So frustrating.

Now it is time to navigate through the construction torn streets of downtown Denver in hopes of finding out where to catch the bus.

I really don’t know how to deal with things, anymore. How to deal with friends, family, or the rift growing between Jessica and I.

How to deal with the fact that I am seemingly incapable of handling myself in any given situation, be it finding a job, or having a nice, stable, healthy relationship.

I’ve given Jes and my relationship a very wide berth in my writing, mostly because she reads it, as far as I’m aware. I imagine she’s read most of everything I’ve ever written, and will continue to read anything written on a regular basis.

I haven’t avoided the subject out of fear that she’d get upset at me, or that the world would gasp in horror... I just haven’t seen the need. It’s never been such a hot topic with me that it’s something I need to express, except in the cases where it’s been positive. “Oh my god, I love Jessica soooo much” – That kind of thing.

Now, it’s different, I suppose.

I don’t want to bitch, or rant. I’m just thinking in words, I suppose.

...

“Have you got a crush on someone else?”

I opened my eyes, and strained to see her face in the moonlight. “What?

“Have you got a crush on someone else?”

Even in the darkness, I blinked, mostly out of confusion. “No.” I asked her why she’d think that.

“It just feels that way to me, sometimes. Like your head isn’t here and your heart doesn’t care.”

...

I don’t know if Jessica and I are going to make it.

There. It’s written, it’s said, it’s out. I don’t know.

I can’t know if she’s has the same thoughts, but I imagine she has. We’ve been constantly fighting, these past few months. I love her, truly, but I don’t know if that’s enough. Relationships take work, and sacrifice, and it seems that neither of us has both to give.

She’s not happy. And I don’t know how to resolve that. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to change to make our relationship like it was nine months ago, how to make it all light, and laughter.

Not that I think breaking up would make her happy, especially not short-term... Although it seems that I’ve been a poor judge of that area, as of late.

...

Only recently have I taken notice as to the way friends treat our relationship.

Rose and I fought the other day, because I confronted her about rumors I heard of her telling stories of domestic violence in our relationship.

Although, at least in this rumor, things were interesting. I was the abused, not the abuser.

She got upset, and broke off the conversation, citing how I’ve changed, how she can never talk to me anymore, how she thinks the perceived abuse in my relationship with Jessica is ‘sick.’

Even Christo expressed disbelief at my professions that there’s no abuse, in either direction.

...

I’ve felt sick, the last few days. Been sick, even. It’s like there’s an infection the middle of me, something slowly going bad inside, trying to take the rest me with it. The last few days have not been fun.

The first snow of the year, friends, family, nothing. Nothing’s been inspiring, nothing’s been magic, nothing’s been true. Except for her, except for those moments when she doesn’t know I’m looking at her, and she’s not guarded, she’s not looking at me with what might be contempt.

I still love her... It seems as if I’m not what she wants, though, not anymore. She doesn’t seem to have the same patience with me, and it seems hardly a day goes by where I’m not scared of doing something wrong, of offending her or making her angry, of being a ‘bad boyfriend’...

If this seems a little unfair, or one-sided, that’s because it is. I don’t know what she’s thinking, and it’s rare when she’ll tell me what she’s feeling. This is my perception of the situation. To say I’m unbiased would be a poor lie indeed.

...

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.

We’re supposed to move out together, potentially with Charles, come January. (It occurs to me that the last time I was supposed to move in with Charles, it was him, myself, and my then-girlfriend Karen. We broke up shortly beforehand.) I fear that this may not be the smart thing to do, and I fear that it’s the lack of space, and constantly being in the same spaces that’s aggravating the situation.

If I were an observer to this situation, I’d definitely counsel Jairus not to move in with Jessica. Work at the relationship, yes. Try and preserve what you have, try and make things work, yes. Love is beautiful and rare, and Jessica is everything to me... And I think if I don’t take steps to preserve that now, and repair what’s been slowly falling apart, there will be no Jairus And Jessica.

It might be best if Charles and Jessica got a place together, and I got one alone, on a month-to-month basis, until we see what happens. I don’t know.

...

If something isn’t done soon, Jessica and I will destroy each other, and our relationship. Of this, I have no doubt.

However, by attempting to do something, we may very well destroy it regardless, except much more painfully. It’s a chance worth taking, obviously... I want to save what we have, and I want her to want it too...

But I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it.
My first login to E2 since Wednesday, I was starting to get the shakes. I'm at my Aunt's house washing clothes and waiting to be taken to the luxurious and elegant Greyhound Station in the stylish industrial region of beautiful downtown Los Angeles from whence I will be whisked away by courteous and prompt drivers aboard a gleaming new bus towards Denver, Colorado. This log will be a brief encapsulation of anything interesting (to me)that has happened in the last week or so.

The movers sucked. They didn't give me twenty-four hours notice, they were clumsy and rude and I had the rather distinct impression that they considered personal hygiene a mere luxury and not at all a neccessity. I am fairly sure they damaged some of my nicer dishes, and I'm guessing my bundt cake pan and chafing dish are irrepably bent. I suppose the adage, "you get what you pay for" is especially true here, these movers were cheaper than other professionals by some four-hundred dollars.

I threw out lots of clothes. Lots and lots of clothes. I discovered some hideously unattractive outfits from the late eighties. In retrospect, my surfer phase seems to have been one big, lamentable fashion faux pas. Entirely too much neon orange and black and rubber sunglasses, ugh. I found my old silk shirts from High School, and suddenly realized that all I needed was a fedora with a big feather and a gold medalion and I could have been Silky the pimp. My wardrobe has subsequently been narrowed down to a few colors: burgundy, black, gray, dark blue and white. I will nearly be dressing in monochrome.

Friday afternoon I went to the optometrist and learned that my former myopia has cleared up (it was only ever mild anyway), however, I am not farsighted and need glasses for reading or staring at a computer screen. I got a cute, inexspensive pair (The frames were under 200 dollars) and arranged for them to be delivered to Denver. I also bought a new pair of shoes and looked at some heavy winter coats.

On friday night, I went to popstarz for snakeboy's birthday party. I was starting to feel a little nostalgic that night and got more than a litle drunk on cheap cosmopolitans. I'm going to miss snakeboy and quite a few other people. It was, by and large, a good night. Good mix of songs, quite a few people I hadn't seen in a long time. I was a little disappointed that Richard and Jay didn't show, but c'est la vie. I was secretly hoping that Angel would appear so I could at least say goodbye, but he didn't and that's that. I took the bus home, which was interesting at 3:30 am. I walked down to Wilshire and La Cienaga in Beverly Hills and stood in the shadow of Larry Flynt's building and stared at the sky. It was a cool and clear night and I could, for once, make out constellations in the heavens.

I kept saturday clear in case one of my prodigal friends like Emanuel or Eli wanted to spend it with me. While I did talk to Emanuel, and he did seem upset with me for moving away (despite the fact that I last saw him over three years ago), he did not mention anything about hanging out. I spent a relatively quiet night at home on saturday, sorting through papers and documents and pictures and just remembering. Found a picture of me and Angel on my 21st birthday outside edokko. Manuel took that picture.

Tonight, I leave Los Angeles. I've been here for 15 1/2 years. It's scary. But I'm also excited and a little relieved. Although I don't agree with Manuel when he says that LA is a city that makes Hell look like a theme park, I don't think it's the city for me.

Today I am feeling vastly unappreciated. Belligerent. Argumentative. Petulant.

I've been looking up flights to Jamaica to make myself feel better, but everything was so slow to load, infuriatingly obtuse and uninformative... I need some time off.

I need some Me Time, time to run my hands all over my body and refamiliarise myself with its bumps and curves, a time to fall in love with it again.

A time to go over all the ills and the wrongs and the mistakes and the embrassements and guilt and soothe each one away, rationalise against the bad things and bring the good things to the fore. I need a space in which to rediscover my respect for myself.

Me and myself need a second honeymoon.

kanon's sick: fever, aches, throat, the works. I remembered yesterday that I had a test today -- it's being given as I type, as I didn't even want to contemplate taking it. I'll work something out.

Shopping list:

  • lemon tea
  • miso soup
  • Ricola -- the black kind, not the wimpy nasty orange ones
  • a scram switch -- big, red, imposing.
  • alternatively, a huge ass knife switch. The kind which, when thrown, makes an appropriate kerCHUNKing sound, accompanied by the subaudible hum of several thousand volts going and doing Work somewhere.

The snow is incredibly beautiful -- it doesn't actually touch the ground (or, rather, it melts without a trace immediately on contact) but instead makes the atmosphere as a whole appear to be shimmering... as if I'm living inside a snowglobe.

Confused.

She doesn't want anything to do with me. It's so rare for me to be interested in someone like this, but certainly not rare for the person I'm interested in to simply not be interseted in me... Kinda like deja vu again and again.

It's funny, really. This always happens. I'm attracted to someone that I could never realistically be with.. I talk to her friend(s). My friend(s) talk to her friend(s). Her friend(s) become attracted to me, because I talk to them - she becomes attracted to my friend(s) becasue they talk to her. So what happens? I end up with her friend, which precludes any interaction with her. She ends up with my friend, which causes animosity toward the both of them. But I still like 'er. It's soooo typical...

Harbor Island, stolen signs, misread signs, undertow... She won't talk to me.

I won't talk to her.


Work

w00t. I'm really beginning to like my job. Kinda...

I've been tasked to fix a computer controlling a Daktronics Venus 4300 display system for the Sun Dome. It's freakin' older than me - a 20 year old PS/2 model 30! No hard drive, two 3.5 (!) floppy drives, and a piece o' crap MCA (Microchannel) display control card that drives all the pretty little graphical-type light signs around the arena. We wanna plop a hard drive in there, but Daktronics decided to make their floppies proprietary. w00t... f00kin' great. Now if I only had the knowledge of boot sectors required to hex-edit the images of the floppies and get 'em DOS readable or something. Riiight.

I woke up after three hours of sleep at about 10:30 this morning. That probably isn't right. You see, last night I stayed up for ages writing Java for a computer science practical. Got home from the PC labs, and started some written work for it. Of course, my brain wasn't in the mood, and I ended up getting up to do it today. But it got done.

Consequently, I am now very tired, and not looking forward to doing the maths work I have to tonight. Mmm, caffeine... I must stop this.

I was in node-withdraw on the weekend

Old news:
On Friday, I was playing football and I got a shoulder to the noses. IT HURT. Does any one know what a broken nose feels like? I guess I should have gone to the doctor but, we were down points.

I got my midterm marks last week. I got a 97 in Computers, a 79 in English, a 88 in Math, and a 81 in Physics. I was getting a 47 in English at one point. I just don't understand the dragon lady.

Today:
Not much happened today. I have been fighting with VB in my computer class. I just started writing actual code for my Project. I English we are doing Hamlet ... Belch. We also have the second in class ISP day on Friday. I have to read a book and write 5 journals. In math we are doing Trig. We go our last test back today. I got ever question except 3 wrong. I switch all my Functions (ie wherever I should have put a Sin, I put a Cos). I still got a 76 out of 90. Physics is just boring. We just finished doing waves and are starting sound.

00:11 GMT

Still at work. I could probably go home anytime now. The boss is out all week, though he's not too strict on the hours anyway, so why am I still here?

I've been reading a lot of nodes that deal with people's relationships, and while I'm not especially happy to see that there are a lot of lonely people out there, I am sort of relieved to know that I'm not the only one.

I'm really starting to feel a strong need for female companionship. And it's not about sex or hormones either (I can take care of that problem myself). But what I really want is someone who makes me feel special and someone who I can increase my life ambition and give all of myself to. I want someone who I can be close and personal with; someone who will care about me, and who I can show the ultimate care for. Quick kisses goodbye, tickling, flirting, staring deeply into her eyes: I want to experience those tiny signs of affection that mean we're so much more than just friends. I want to go to sleep just once without being alone.

I need a girlfriend. I don't care that there will be downs with the ups on the relationship rollercoaster, I want to ride. I'm getting more self-confident, and I've got a lot of previously untapped energy. Now I just need to find a way to meet someone and have the courage to introduce myself.

I haven't heard back from Kawana. I was expecting this to be fairly likely to happen. I figure it's no big deal because getting involved with her on a personal level was sort of a long shot. I'll try to go back and visit her again in a couple of weeks, just to see if I haven't completely scared her off.

My muscles still hurt like hell. I think the pain is starting to subside though, peaking in intensity at around 2-3pm today. Even my neck hurts now. I'm going to go to the gym now to walk for about 30 minutes, though I wonder how long it will be before I can even try to do any weight training again.


04:19 GMT

I really think sometimes that I could be just as happy, if not happier if I were doing anything else. At what point in life did I trip and accidently start travelling the path of social ignorance? Just WTF is it that I'm not getting and everyone else does? I have next to no common sense when it comes to how to deal with people and make new friends. Where do people learn this stuff? Did I miss school that day? Why am I on the short bus?

I need someone to guide me, and show me what it is I'm doing wrong.

I need new glasses, but I'm getting really tired of wearing them. I'm never happy with any of the glasses I've worn over the past few years. They always look either too big or too small. I spend at least an hour picking out frames when I do buy them. The glasses I currently wear frequently give me headaches. The second pair of glasses I owned also gave me headaches. I'm really getting tired of this crap. Maybe I can save myself all of this hassle by just getting contact lenses.

It seems like glasses are a negative image for guys, though I've always thought that women who wear glasses look so much more attractive because it shows that they don't mind looking intelligent. This doesn't seem to be true for guys though. I think I might give contacts a chance. Anything that could potentially improve my self confidence should be tried at least once. I may become a geek without glasses, but I can live with that if it helps me to attract the opposite sex. At least I'll be trying something different.

That reminds me: I need to reschedule my appointment for a checkup with my doctor again. I forgot to go last wednesday, and my perscriptions for high blood pressure are going to run out soon. I really hope that I can stop taking these damn perscriptions after I lose weight. Using artifical chemicals to modify your metabolisim can't be good for you in the long run.


05:43 GMT

I can't take it any more. I'm bored, tired, and depressed. I'm going to sleep now. Alone.

A simple day, that is until I heard about "Ranma 1/2". I was curiors, people had CD's burned with RealVideo playing episodes of this odd incarnation. I diddent follow it much, there was a disgruntled panda and some odd girl who I learned was actually a boy.

The only thing more odd then the show was the gallery of oddities watching it, for which I appeared to be a member.

I did some investigation, download the Ranma games (Super Famcom roms if you will, and poorly translated english ones where possible). The games, like the show were odd. There was even a fighting game, which wasnt two suprising, as the show was kinda martial arts-ish.

The Panda Frightens Me

I dislike Panda's, there; big, and indangered, and they eat hard things like Bamboo.

I fear Bamboo

Now back to the freeky kid from Ranma, (Who, in case I forgot to mention it was named Ranma Saotome). Is it just me or is the idea of being able to transform into the opposite sex via water an apeasing idea?

Oh well
Today was snowy, and I got to walk around in my new white jacket. It makes me look like a giant marshmallow, I think but I haven't been looking in many mirrors lately. I tend not to when I am as unkept as I am today.

All the people in class were whining about the snow, but, damn. It was beautiful. It was the huge flakes. C says he waits for the pink strawberry flakes and I told him to stay away from the lemon flavour ones...

I put up a bunch of Ben's pictures on the giant mirror next to my bed, which I somehow avoid looking at while I enter the room. The pictures are great. Even the 'big face' one. There is one with him dressed up in shiny clothes which is one of the best pictures of him; he actually looks like my memories of him. LDRs are difficult.

I missed one of my classes today. The woman(prof) is too stupid - she talks to us like we are kindergarten students. She is not intelligent at all but a nice person. I didn't sign up for university to be instructed by nice people damn it! I know how to be nice so fuck off. 3 people said to me today that they can't wait to graduate. Yeah, me too.

Holly shit. This is crazy. What is happening to me? You know, I think you're right. I AM just a little boy. Please treat me that way (Not all the time, mind you). I'm capable of dealing with things. But...i dunno. Maybe i've been alone too long. Or maybe I'm a wuss. Or maybe i do expect too much..who knows? i'm confused. i remember people telling me how confused they were when they had to go to university - they didn't know what to do and shit. They looked at me and went - wow! (go go computer geek!). now look at me...questions that should've been easy as fuck take me a while to answers. i miss all the signs and all the clues. are they even there? bleh! whatever. things will always work out. one way or the other. they always do.

jesus. i miss coding. works sucks because of that - no challenge. so i browse e2 hehe. boss gets pissed off, i get back to doing nothing. weird. i got less then 5 hours of sleep last night. talking on the phone. everyone is in various stages of disrepair. looks to me like the big dood is failing to hell and beyond. i dont want that to happen. blah, shits i told him. interestingly enough a complete cycle has passed(startin last november.heh..oh november..oh fuck how i hated that..argh the WORST time of my life). all four of us dated(not each other.ew.). all four were depressed and piss-drunk. all four close to failing. i have to node that. shits. life is NOT boring. i gotta say that.

I have nothing to whine about!

Today I got up, tired as hell, ate and went to school. I felt weird, as always as if everyone was looking at me weird, BlEH, I'm just too paranoid. Went to english class, lecture was pretty good, met my friend. She seemed happy enough to see me which is always a good thing. Went to chemistry, got my stupid midterm back, bombed that again. sigh Need to study like crazy now, must pull grades up. After that I went to my last class for the day: Biology, also pretty boring but oh well, nothing I can do about it. Came home, ate again, went to meet MrFurious. Yes you are a little boy, hehe, and yes we're all going to treat you that way. I think over the past year all of us has been through too much shit, life is unfair that's the way it is. So now I'm here, sitting here noding, thinking about my life and how wrong it is. sighs, sits, ponders, leaves.

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