I really don’t know how to deal with things, anymore. How to deal with friends, family, or the rift growing between Jessica
How to deal with the fact that I am seemingly incapable of handling myself in any given situation, be it finding a job
, or having a nice, stable, healthy relationship
I’ve given Jes
and my relationship
a very wide berth in my writing, mostly because she reads it, as far as I’m aware. I imagine she’s read most of everything
I’ve ever written, and will continue to read anything written on a regular basis.
I haven’t avoided the subject out of fear that she’d get upset at me
, or that the world would gasp in horror
... I just haven’t seen the need. It’s never been such a hot topic with me that it’s something I need
, except in the cases where it’s been positive. “Oh my god
, I love Jessica soooo much” – That kind of thing.
Now, it’s different, I suppose.
I don’t want to bitch
, or rant
. I’m just thinking in words, I suppose.
“Have you got a crush
on someone else?”
I opened my eyes, and strained to see her face in the moonlight. “What?
“Have you got a crush on someone else?”
Even in the darkness
, I blinked, mostly out of confusion. “No.” I asked her why she’d think that.
“It just feels that way to me, sometimes. Like your head isn’t here
and your heart doesn’t care
I don’t know
if Jessica and I are going to make it
There. It’s written, it’s said, it’s out. I don’t know.
I can’t know if she’s has the same thoughts, but I imagine she has. We’ve been constantly fighting, these past few months. I love her, truly, but I don’t know if that’s enough. Relationships
, and sacrifice
, and it seems that neither of us has both to give.
She’s not happy. And I don’t know how to resolve that. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to change to make our relationship like it was nine months
ago, how to make it all light
, and laughter
Not that I think breaking up would make her happy, especially not short-term... Although it seems that I’ve been a poor judge
of that area, as of late.
Only recently have I taken notice as to the way friends treat our relationship.
and I fought the other day, because I confronted her about rumors I heard of her telling stories of domestic violence
in our relationship.
Although, at least in this rumor, things were interesting. I was the abused
, not the abuser
She got upset, and broke off the conversation
, citing how I’ve changed
, how she can never talk to me anymore
, how she thinks the perceived abuse in my relationship with Jessica is ‘sick
expressed disbelief at my professions that there’s no abuse, in either direction.
I’ve felt sick
, the last few days. Been sick, even. It’s like there’s an infection the middle of me
, something slowly going bad
inside, trying to take the rest me with it. The last few days have not been fun
The first snow of the year
, friends, family, nothing. Nothing’s been inspiring, nothing’s been magic
, nothing’s been true. Except for her
, except for those moments when she doesn’t know I’m looking at her
, and she’s not guarded, she’s not looking at me with what might be contempt
I still love her
... It seems as if I’m not what she wants, though, not anymore. She doesn’t seem to have the same patience
with me, and it seems hardly a day goes by where I’m not scared of doing something wrong
, of offending her or making her angry, of being a ‘bad boyfriend
If this seems a little unfair
, or one-sided
, that’s because it is
. I don’t know what she’s thinking, and it’s rare when she’ll tell me what she’s feeling. This is my perception of the situation. To say I’m unbiased would be a poor lie indeed
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.
We’re supposed to move out together, potentially with Charles
, come January
. (It occurs to me that the last time I was supposed to move in with Charles, it was him, myself, and my then-girlfriend Karen. We broke up shortly beforehand.)
I fear that this may not be the smart thing to do
, and I fear that it’s the lack of space
, and constantly being in the same spaces that’s aggravating the situation
If I were an observer
to this situation, I’d definitely counsel Jairus not to move in with Jessica. Work at the relationship, yes. Try and preserve what you have
, try and make things work
, yes. Love is beautiful
and rare, and Jessica is everything
to me... And I think if I don’t take steps to preserve that now, and repair what’s been slowly falling apart, there will be no Jairus And Jessica
It might be best if Charles and Jessica got a place together, and I got one alone, on a month-to-month
basis, until we see what happens. I don’t know.
If something isn’t done soon, Jessica and I will destroy each other
, and our relationship. Of this, I have no doubt.
However, by attempting to do something, we may very well destroy it regardless, except much more painfully. It’s a chance worth taking, obviously... I want to save what we have, and I want her to want it too
But I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it.