I thought I'd write to you again today, so that the next time you came here, there would be something for you to read. This will probably have to be short because it is almost time for me to come home at the time I said I would go.

You are the best part of my day - waking up to see you, kissing you, even calling you just to say I arrived at work - I look forward to it all. It makes everything else bearable. It may seem like I'm frustrated sometimes with you, but that's really a welcome relief from the frustrations everyday here at work.

I really just want to escape from everything sometimes, and you are my escape. Just thinking of you is like arriving in calm waters after leaving a storm. Holding you is even better - moments like that I wish would last forever.

I don't know what the future will bring. It worries me often. But if my future includes you in my life, it would be something to be thankful for. You are such a wonderful part of my life that this job may be what it is to balance things out. If only the good didn't have to come with any bad. If work were as fun as being with you, life would be heaven. For now, at least, it's good to know at least one very important part of my life is worth living for.

You bring me the gift of happiness when nothing else seems able to. I hope it is something I never forget - something I will constantly be able to repay.

Am I supposed to want him to live?

My father had his second stroke last night. He is in a hospital in Spain, in the intensive care unit, on a respirator. My mother told me that when he first arrived they thought he was dieing, but today another doctor seems to expect him to wake up some time soon. I don’t know what this stroke will do, but his previous one took away a portion of his eyesight and caused some movement problems on his right side.

He had always been a very active person, always mending something or adding something to the house or working late. He didn’t slow down much after retirement, took up golf, always had something to do. He is now 78. This last year since his previous stroke he has seemed a lot older, more fragile. He has had to struggle with everyday things, like making coffee. Most of what he used to do has been left aside or taken over by mom. He hasn’t been the self-reliant handyman any more, and I think it has hurt. He always prided himself on being able to do stuff himself, without help, even taking it to extremes: building a summer house and an extension to it himself, doing all the clearing of trees for it, doing all the plumbing and wiring...

I am presuming he will be more disabled this time, unable to care for himself. I think he will feel humiliated by the amount of care his condition will require. Mom said he would hate being in a wheelchair, dependent on others to clean him and so on.

She wants him to live though, no matter how. She says that’s how love is; she wants to keep him with her no matter what. I don’t think I agree with her, I think she is afraid of being left alone. They have been together over half a century.

What do I think? I am stuck with two things: I love mom and want her to be happy, and for her I want him to get better and stay with her, but I love dad and am afraid he would hate what his life had become. Maybe he wants to let go.

Am I supposed to want him to live? Am I supposed to want him to die?

I don’t know.


Waiting is

Variations on a theme of DejaMorgana

I had been thinking about the Crystal World structure DejaMorgana laid out for his 'Crystal Sky' shared world. The idea was for two planets obriting the sun in a binary system, and with tidal effects having slowed down the planetary rotation to the point where there would be three or four days a year.

Thinking about what such a world would be like, the first thing that struck me was that days would be more like seasons. A twenty degree drop between day and night is normal here on Earth. Any planet with a six week day followed by a six week night would endure some rather significant temperature changes. The climate would be interesting. Night might equate to winter.

So when i think of life evolving on such a world, it's going two ways. Either a species is extraordinarily tolerant of temperature, or it's really mobile.

One way to gain temperature tolerance is hibernation. Plants would have to mature very quickly, so during the day you'd eat like a pig, find a cave and then sleep off the night. A sentient species might build a better cave. Or, animals would have to develop extraordinary temperature regulation abilities.

Feathers have the best insulation to weight ratio. Hair though, is easier to grow, and better in water. Plus fur can be shed. However, in high heat fur may make sweating impractical. Dogs shed heat through their tongues, and that's not a very big heat sink. Bare skin is good in heat, bad in winter, and it seems doubtful you gould get throug the australopithicus stage of evolution without figuring out the virtues of the fur coat.

So, if we want a humanoid mammal, I bet they hibernate, and build a den to gain the extra insulation. A shared den becomes the beginnings of a town, with a summer above surface component and catacombs for hibernating at night.

An alternative strategy would be speed, to try and outrace the darkness. I can see only three ways to accomplish this. Birds migrate by flying, and some birds are large enough to lift a reasonable braincase. But I wonder if such an avian would be unbalanced by the mass of a large brain in the head. So maybe you move the brain to the body, and have a couple of flat, brainless heads like a puppeteer.

Another strategy if the land were wide enough, would be the centaur model, where the animal would be built something like a horse and thus could gallop ahead of the darkness. Or something wheeled like the g'kek from David Brins Uplift Universe. But I have my doubts there as well, Rivers, ice flows and geothermal effects produce some really bad terrain. Horses climb very well on some types of terrain, but really badly in others. And climbing is slow. You don;'t want to climb if you're trying to feed yourself and outrace a signficant weather change. Plus, what is Centaur Seabiscuit to drink while racing across the planetary plains?

But an aquatic species might do well. Dolphins can go very quickly when they have a mind to. Oceans stabilize temperature. The seasons would bring temperature difference, but it would be moderated in the water. They could go out to sea during the tides. And supporting a very large brain is not at all an issue.

So, from my perspective, the most likely civilization is a land-based group of sleepers and an aquatic civilization, that may not like each other.

As a land animal with a limited amphibious capability, i naturally identify more strongly with the hibernators. Especially when my alarm clock goes off. The need to quickly gather and then hibernate would might keep them in the hunter-gatherer stage longer than humans did, simply because the benefits of agriculture might be less obvious. You wake up really hungry from your rest, and you might have to spend so much time just gathering food that you'd never think to plant anything. And the crops you chose would have to mature quickly in order for sufficient supples to be gathered. So i guess that farming would be a relatively late vocation.

However, fishing does fall under hunting AND gathering. A sentient species might innovate canoes, spears and other tools to make them more efficient fishermen. A dugout canoe might be prepared and stored over the hibernation. if the fishermen were efficient, they might feed the tribe while others grew grain

Therefore, I'm guessing they develop bath aquatic technologies and weapons before the plow. If you develop aquatic technology quickly enough you gain the ability to migrate rather than hibernate. Ships carry weight very well, which might allow you to take crops with you. Particularly when you remember that wind is created when high pressure air rushes to fill a pressure area. I'd bet that the twilight and dawn would be announced by a jump in windspeed. Which means that sail might be an efficient way of migrating.

On the other hand, the strong tidal effects produced by having a very, very large companion would make sailing, difficult. Deep water anchorages would be prized, and in such places canoeists to ferry the sailors would make a good buck. Deep water anchorages surrounded by arable land would be ideal. And forests for fuel and building materials. Although stone might make for better longevity. I would also bet almost all ships would have some rowing capacity like in a galley. Strong tides might force seamen to move a ship quickly against, or without, wind.

One things for sure, they'd grow up eating a lot of fish. And I expect fish on an alien planet to look a lot like the Terran varieties, as waterdynamics remain the same everywhere. Charlie may not be a tuna, but he'll look like one.

So, imagine a migratory group of tribes, moving from one seasonal city to another. Perhaps one tribe might try to grab and occupy the most desirable towns. Would you garrison desirable towns, so there would be a defense? Or move some people before the harvest is complete to stay ahead of the town robbers. What would a tribe do, arriving expecting to eat the supplies they stored during last summer, only to find robbers there ahead of them. Predation would be well rewarded.

Also, if the hibernators--- I'm picturing small bears here but for story purposes they could look like people-- eat a lot of fish they'd compete with the aquarians for fish. Natural competition for resources would lead to inter-species conflict as populations grew. Would all ships need marines to protect them from the aquatic sentients? Would they even recognize the other species as sentient? I see lots of sea monster tales here. And a world with a lot of conflict, one that would greatly benefit from a central government to keep the natural conflicts to a dull roar.

Right now i'm really wishing that i had the world building chops of a Hal Clement. This planetary geology in this very different system carry in themselves the seeds of many interesting tales.

Updates

Lately it occurs to me that some species would evolve to fill the nightime mix. After all bats use a form of sonar to navigate after dark, and it isn't inconcievable that a species might 'see' in the infrared. One interesting possibilty is for a small heat-seeking parasite that infects hibernators. It could be unintelligent, but either form a symbiosis, or consume them, and lead to a rabies sort of madness. Whole tribes might be wiped out, leaving abandoned cities. Said cities might prove very dangerous, because who could be sure if the predators had left.

At the same time, any species that evolved 'chasing the sun' or hibernating might not have very good night vision. No reason to evolve it. Whereas if humans were a transplant, they might see fairly well by local standards. That would make us particularly effective as police, soldiers and as theives.

A question I would like answered concerns the wind. on earth we have prevailing winds at certain lattitudes, and they very by location with northeast winds and southwest being the most common. I am not certain Earth's 24 hour rotation plays into this, presumably it does something that would be left out in a 'long day' world.

Now, if you are chasing the daylight, it would be better to have the wind at your back. It is possible to sail into the wind. Sailors call this beating into the wind, and while it's fun, it's also interesting and much more time consuming that sailing with the wind as beating requres approaching the wind at no more than a 45 degree angle. Unless you're driving a 12 meter yacht in the America's Cup.

On earth, the direction of prevailing winds varies by latitude and the doldrums, or low wind areas are found at the boundaries of prevailing winds. If this pattern repeats itself certain latitudes would enjoy distinct advanatages at 'dawnchasing' Depending on the length of the night, some may prefer to try and sail through it and simply put up with a shorter cold period. This creates a an interesting picture of some clans or tribes sailing against the wind, others with it depending on latitude, while some go the other way and trhough the night. Also some might get trapped in the doldrums duirng the night, which raises the specter of some lost tribes, abandoned or dead ships drifting free in the sea lanes as their crews either starved or froze to death.

This also suggests that geographic choke points might prove very profitable during a migration. Hibernators might occupy and maintain certain sea level canals-- like Suez-- for a small 'contribution' Robber barons might do well.

I think I am finally growing up.

Most of my contemporaries grew up years ago. Different things produced the change. A few were born that way, adults trapped in the bodies of middle school students, enduring the vaguaries of childhood like a prisoner serving time. Some became adults through their careers, growing up because their company demanded that they act with maturity. Most however became adults when they became parents. The responsibility of the raising of a child and the immaturity of youth were not two burdens that could be carried at the same time, so they dropped their childhood and embraced being an adult for the love of their child.

I, on the other hand, have never really grown up. I have never been a naturally mature person, my job requires responsibility, but not great amounts of maturity and my wife and I cannot have children, so I have not taken the standard roads to maturity. We are the couple that is hard to pin down, age-wise. We are not dated by the age of our kids. We are still do stupid things like staying out until 4 AM to see the Return of the King on opening night. So like we are the perfect example of the saying, you are somebody's child until you are somebody's parent.

But lately, something has changed. My wife and I recently purchased our first home. It is huge by comparison to our townhouse. It is requiring me to do adult things, like having a mortgage and putting up shelves. It has required me to use my tool box more often in the last three weeks than I have in the last five years. I have found myself trolling the Home Depot and Lowe's on Friday night and Saturday morning and actually finding things I need. It is beginning to make me grow up.

I have yet to figure out how I feel about this. With my fortieth birth day two months away, I realize that it is well past time for me to get my feet planted and begin to grow up, so part of me welcomes the change. This is the part that realizes that I am probably beginning to look a little silly, acting like a high schooler with my balding head and beard shot through with white. It is the part that is beginning to relax after years of feeling like it was putting on a show - a sixteen year old pretending to be an adult and praying no one would find out. It is the part that is ready to put away childish things.

But another part of me is scared of the change. It requires me to reinvent who I am, to be something I have never been. It goes against my laid back (i.e. lazy) nature and makes me do things I have never done before. I am used to the same old thing and like the familiarity of if, but now realize that like a favorite old sweatshirt I used to have, I am too big for it and it is too worn to be of good use. But it is still hard to put it aside.

So I am growing up. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Encountering *special* people

I don't know how many of you know that I'm in the process of growing my web-design business...I'd like to share with you all some little tid-bits about encountering *special* people and how to handle them. Trust me, I've been at practice at this for a lifetime, so I *could* be considered an expert at this. I'm sure a lot of you have great experience at it too as we all know, these *special* people come across our paths many many times.

To give you some background, just yesterday, I asked my "business partners" a request to recommit themselves into this business - that means giving whatever they can whenever they can into the business to make it grow and improve and make a difference to our clients and their businesses.

For more context:
This was AFTER they made the assumption that The Company was not going to continue and that their own involvement would not exist. They had made this decision without consulting me.
In light of that news, I then turned the situation around after having several "epiphanies" during the past few days. I was not going to let them destroy what we had worked for the past six months. I was more determined to make this company work, and it required their personal commitment firstly.

What I asked of them was to choose one of the following:

1. No. (Thank you for being honest in relinquishing your involvement in the company. Have a good life.)

2. Yes. (I would like to become a business partner as well as help in the designing.)

3. Yes. (I'm in it only for the money so being a subcontractor would be in my interest.)

..and then with these instructions:

"I am giving both of you a deadline of tonight, 11:59pm to make your decision. Please email me in either, "Yes, I'm in." or "No, thank you." in the subject header. Please bear in mind that if you say "No." then you will not know of my plans for The Company and thereby terminate your involvement. "

"If you decide "Yes." then, and ONLY then will there be a meeting to which we will discuss the full extent in terms of business strategy as well as structure."

And so, to make matters even more "special", one of my, now ex-partner, decided to take another route. He writes me a belabouring and wishy-washy email stating that he was "surprised" and though it wasn't professional of me to ask them of this decision. I won't get into those emails, but I bet you know what I'm trying to convey here.

After reading and replying to his email, I finally received another one (this guy won't stop) this morning. I then proceeded to reply with the following (the name has been changed to protect the *special*):

>Subject: RE: (no subject)
> Date: Wed, 04 Feb 2004 10:49:03 -0500
>
>Special-boy,
>
>I just read the first couple of sentences of this email. There's no need to read any further.
>
>There's a saying that it takes a genius to make a complicated matter into something simple. It takes an idiot to turn something simple into something complicated.
>
>The choice was simple, and you failed in it. Sorry. As a "business partner", you're not what I'm looking for. Perhaps when you've finally "gotten over yourself", you might be business partner material. I'd rather be straight-forward about it as possible.
>
>Thank you for being you.
>
>- - B.
>
>
>
>
>
>>From: Special-boy
>>To: B.
>>Subject: (no subject)
>> Date: Wed, 04 Feb 2004 10:21:39 -0500
>>
>>B., I thought you were out of line yesterday and I expressed that in no uncertain terms. But I also wanted you to know I was still extending a hand in friendship...

So there you have it...some people..

I thank you for your comments. Please try putting yourself in my shoes before you reply. And if you're having a hard time trying, or if you're severely disagreeing with this, you probably don't have the mental toughness in being a business owner just yet.

Today I got high. Not by inhaling or injecting any chemicals into my body, but by passing around a lot of smiles at work.

It all started when I woke up earlier than usual. I wasn't in any rush to leave the apartment, and so the daily goodbye kiss was longer than usual. And I had time to tell more jokes than I normally do before heading out. So my sweetheart put a nice smile on my face which lasted me well beyond my arrival at the office.

Then at work, while scanning the first e-mails of the day, I detected a small crisis brewing. My teammate in Boston had graciously prototyped some code to help her test her own part of our project. But when she tried to give the developers in a related project her prototype code, so as to give them a headstart at implementing functionality that they are supposed to own and she's just supposed to utilize from her project, they started whining. "Why do you think we want that? We don't own that functionality. Why are you dumping extra work in our laps?" Shit.

My co-worker puts everyone else to shame with how fast she is at responding to e-mail. The other team's whining was a whole hour old, and she had still not responded. I just knew she was dying over there, staring in awe at the other team's e-mail. I could easily imagine the horror stories forming in her mind. Weeks and weeks of useless meetings between her and representatives of the other team to clear up the issues of who owns what. We do it too often, we all get frustrated by it, and you can feel valuable time slipping through your fingers when you're on the phone trying to cajole some jerk-off into owning up to his requirements.

Aha! Quite some time ago, when we were all busily writing up formal documents about what our projects did, who was going to work on them, how long they'd take, etc... Some guy was ranting and raving about a new process he needed us to follow for identifying our requirements and tracking them throughout all of our functional and design specs. We griped secretly amongst ourselves from the tediousness of it all at the time, but now there was a mechanism in place for querying who actually promised to implement each part of the system. Sure enough, within 5 minutes of pointing and clicking through internal websites, I found 4 specific requirement IDs describing the functionality in question. And they were most certainly owned by the team who was now refusing to give a shit about them.

Being as diplomatic as possible, and controlling my urge to be a smartass about it, I quoted the requirements and their ID numbers, and pointed at the document describing who owned them. And I confirmed that my colleague was right all along, but in the dryest tone possible. I felt too good from earlier in the morning to want to hurt anybody's feelings, and charitable enough to butt in on a topic I am not directly involved in. And then, my co-worker in Boston is one of the most beautiful Chinese girls I have ever seen, so the motivation to impress her made me do it. But not being a braggart in the process was a really hard urge to suppress.

The tone of her next e-mail is what made me high. She responded to my e-mail within seconds, signifying that she was no longer staring at the other team's whiny e-mail and thinking bad thoughts about what it might've led to. That she wasn't just back on track, but even smiling about it now, I could sense in the tone of her message when she thanked me for solving the issue. And she was rejuvenated now, being as sarcastic and witty as ever, showing those whiney bastards no mercy, and no more tolerance for their bullshit. I fixed her day.

But it wasn't just that. Totally out of the blue, she added a P.S. about also liking a joke I told her when we were lost wandering the hallways together last week in Silicon Valley. (She said the building was like a maze, so I said something silly that maybe there were some high school kids wearing capes and using twelve-sided dice to find there way out of the middle of the building, in a totally Dungeons & Dragons sort of way.) I don't know why she mentioned that, since it had nothing to do with the conversation we were all having. But what the hell? I suddenly liked the (possibly delusional) idea that the gorgeous girl in Boston that I work with thinks I'm smart and funny, and maybe even likes me. And that's good enough for me, right now. I don't care if maybe she thinks I have a crush on her, and bolstering my ego is all part of some manipulative female plot. I just like smiling about it.

I've felt other kinds of highs. Like, when I used to date this Vietnamese stripper who had fake breasts, and I'd catch secondhand highs from whatever it was she would smoke before or after we hooked up to have sex. Or, like when a friend of mine brought her best pot over to my place in a desperate attempt to lower my inhibitions and hook up with me at least once before she moved away to Boston last year. (A totally different girl from Boston...not the one I work with.) Feeling flirted with as I did, and already being happy to begin with gave me a similar, but much better feeling. Hell, it even felt better than making out with 18 year old girls in the bleachers at a rave. It was just that good of a high.

A smile is a terrible thing to waste, I figured, so before any more stupid issues could come along and ruin my day, I passed my good feeling onward. That one guy who worked so hard long ago to make us gather up all that valuable data about requirements seemed deserving of a nice big thank you letter to brighten up his day! So I wrote up a few examples from today and last week where having all that information has helped us avoid ratholes in meetings, and stupid debates between project teams. And I let him know that I appreciated the good job he did insisting that we do all that stuff. I saw the guy in the hallway an hour later with a slightly happier skip in his step than usual, so I knew the joy had been successfully spread.

Eww, I'm perverted! I'm talking about spreading joy at work. I knew a girl named Joy, once...

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