I saw the next Austin Powers movie, "Austin Powers: A Shag is Forever"... in a dream. Lacey Chambert was the female
lead and the kid who played Young Austin in "Goldmember" played Powers
for the majority of the movie. Mike Myers, true to his
promise, did not "do"
another Powers movie, though he did reprise his role for all of five minutes
in order to "pass on the baton", as it were.
The Basics: Young Austin meets Lacey Chambert ( character name unknown so far) to debrief
her on her new mission- apparently, she is some new up-and-comer in the American
Spy Organization which is so secret that even the CIA doesn't know it exists.
She was expecting to see Old Austin but was surprised to meet Young Austin.
LACEY: You're not Austin Powers! I've seen Austin Powers and
you're not him. Who are you?!
YOUNG AUSTIN: Oh, but I am, baby! I am most definitely Austin Powers, with
a capital "A" and a capital "P." Though, I'm not surprised
you don't recognize me. A lot's happened recently.
LACEY: But... I've read the Powers dossier. Austin Powers should look like
he's pushing 50 and you? You look like you've just reached 15. This can't be.
AUSTIN: Last year, after we got my twin brother, Doctor Evil, indoctrinated
into the groovy world of being a Good Guy, we worked together on tracking down
his son, Scott Evil. My nephew turned into a really bad apple, he did. Went
and got really evil on us while we weren't looking. He used some
of his father's old contacts and financial backers to create a device not unlike
the time machine developed by my brother. Only instead of taking you into the
past, it made you look like you did in the past.
LACEY (eyes wide): You mean... he created some sort of Fountain of Youth? That's
amazing! But... how is that evil? People have been looking for
the Fountain of Youth for centuries.
AUSTIN: It's not what you bring into this world that matters,
baby, but how you use it. Scott knew that we would eventually
come looking for him and during that time, he was plotting revenge. When Doug
and I finally found him-
LACEY: Doug?
AUSTIN: Doctor Evil's proper name. He's still getting used to it himself, "trying
it on", as he likes to say. We thought about changing it to "Doctor
Good", but that just doesn't have the right ring to it.
LACEY: Yeah, but... "Doug"? Ew.
AUSTIN: We're working on it. Anyway, Doug and I finally found
Scott, but he was waiting for us. He had kidnapped Dad- poor Dad. When we found
his secret lair, a Domino's Pizza franchise which had been working as a front
for his growing evil empire, Dad was strapped to a giant pizza oven's conveyor
belt with the intention of turning him into something extra crispy. Scott was
holding the remote control for the oven in his hand when we got there, jumped
into his father's time machine and disappeared into the past when he saw us. We
went after him to get the remote control, but little did we know that the time
machine had a dual purpose. Scott had set it to automatically switch over to
its Fountain of Youth mode just after he went back in time, knowing that we
would follow after him. We went through and came out the other side, only younger.
By then it was too late for dear, poor, old Dad.
LACEY: Oh! That's terrible! I'm so sorry for your
loss. It must have been very hard on you.
AUSTIN: It was, but Doug and I still have each other. The funeral was tough
to get through, but we managed together. Doug now works for the British Intelligence
Agency as an inventor and master strategist. He's really thrown himself into his
work in an effort to get past the pain caused by his son, who is now lost somewhere
in time.
LACEY: Surely Scott isn't completely lost. He left the machine
behind. And why couldn't you just go back through the Fountain and make yourselves
old again?
AUSTIN: Well, assuming that we would want to do something foolish
like that, we still wouldn't have been able to. You see, Scott thought about
that, too. He set it to automatically self-destruct after we went through it.
And he didn't leave any blueprints or schematics on how to make another one.
So we're stuck like this, to relive our youths all over again. And Scott's stuck
somewhere in the past with no way to get back.
LACEY: I see. Well... what is this mission about? I heard some sketchy reports
from British Intelligence, but my own agency has been pretty quiet. All they
told me was that I would be working with Austin Powers on a special assignment,
like a foreign exchange program for spies.
AUSTIN: Yes, that's true. But there's more to it than that. By now you've heard
about the newest plague of evil that has taken over in Doug's and Scott's place,
yes?
LACEY: Yes, but we know virtually nothing about him. He hasn't come out of hiding, so
we don't even know what he looks like.
AUSTIN: Well, we do now. Prepare yourself: it's Scott Evil. And he's grown
up. We have to stop him before he truly reaches his goal of taking
over the world.
More happens. We get to see Doctor Evil's new, posh Good Guy Spy HQ- an underground
fortress which is shaped like the head of Queen Elizabeth. Number Two is still
working for Doctor Evil. And a new twist: one of Doctor Evil's old cohorts,
The Count, is working for the Good Guys now, too. The thing is, The Count is
an honest-to-God vampire in 90's hipster attire (it's a bit part, really, played by... Mike Myers).
The Count, at one point, has some vital information about Scott Evil, a memory
of him from many years ago. That's pretty much all I can remember of the dream,
but it's honestly enough. Yes, there were jokes and gags throughout, but I dare
not repeat them. Fat Bastard did not make an appearance in this one, thank God.
And watching Lacey Chambert trade sexual innuendos with the guy who played
Yount Austin was both titalating and frightening at the same time.
What a strange dream.