No-one wants to talk to me.

Well, no-one who wants to talk to me seems able to say anything to engage my interest, anyway. Which is stupid, cos they're saying the same things that, six months ago, would have had me twanging sympathetically and itching to be back online.

Maybe I've heard all their stories too many times, and it's time to move on.

Maybe I'm just becoming one of the Grumpy Old Farts who hang around mostly idle.

Maybe they really are as dull as ditchwater, and self pitying vapid whiners with nothing of substance to say.

But I think it's probably me.

Six months ago I would have really cared whether Sally will "pass" as a woman or not, once she's transitioned. Now I just roll my eyes and struggle not to say "Yes, we had this conversation last night. And the night before. And every bloody night for the last 12 weeks. Get over it already"

Six months ago I would have pumped Charlie until he told me just what he did to Judith that makes him so sure she will hate him forever, and that he is a Bad Person. And then I would have convinced him he is actually a sweetie. Now I just say "*hugs* I'm sorry you feel bad"

I would have tried really hard to make Stephanie realise how awful she is being to her husband. He's a Good Joe, and she's a bitch in heat. But six months ago I would have been sympathetic and tried to make her find a way out, and now all I want to do is yell at her, or slap her hard.

Is it my just bad luck in choosing channels, or is IRC really rife with depressives? "I don't deserve to be happy" "I don't deserve him/her" "There's really no point, is there?
It's my opinion that depressives seek out IRC, and then infect non depressives with depression and dissatisfaction and guilt-for-not-being-unhappy until Nice Places sink into the maw of the Black Monster, never to be the same again. Not on purpose. Just ... haphazardly.

I'm just so sick of it all!

I simply don't have the energy to behave as I feel I should.

Six months ago I lived in my channels.

I don't now. Not the way I did.
I still have important relationships online... But I have an offline life too now.

I don't twitch and look at the clock and resent visitors until the leave so I can get back online now.

I wonder if perhaps I've simply moved on...

The best feeling ever. The only feeling.

I could never really grasp the idea of being satisfied. I often think to myself, “What do I want from life?” and my only conclusion is that I want to continue wanting something. Today needs are invented, manufactured to create desire for all the useless products there are to sell. Is that what I need? A car that can go from zero to sixty faster than I will ever have the need to? That new lip gloss that will plump up my lips, even though I’m the only one who will notice the difference? A shirt that shows just enough cleavage to get past the dress code, that will have all the boys in class tripping over their own jaws, even though I’m not attracted to any of them? Even the things I truly desire, how will I feel when I attain them? Satisfied?

Dis*sat`is*fac"tion (?), n.

The state of being dissatisfied, unsatisfied, or discontented; uneasiness proceeding from the want of gratification, or from disappointed wishes and expectations.

The ambitious man has little happiness, but is subject to much uneasiness and dissatisfaction. Addison.

Syn. -- Discontent; discontentment; displeasure; disapprobation; distaste; dislike.


© Webster 1913.

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