December 19, 1999

I did it. I said goodbye. I'm scared to death. Maybe if I don't think about it, it will go away. I spent the wee early morning hours feeling horrid. I don't know why, I was just a bit distraught. Then I got a phone call, which gave me someone else's life to concentrate on for a little.

I noded somethings I probably shouldn't. Juliet's Hope Chest. My ex's are going to one day start a club, and beat me into a pulp. The song "Take a Bow" keeps going off in my head.

I leave for Chicago in less than a week. I also go to West Palm Beach mid-week to see an old friend for lunch. That will be interesting.

Sigh.. I have lame stuff to do today. Laundry, cleaning, yuck. I think I will also finish my Christmas shopping, and try to forget about my life for a moment, if I am lucky.

Listened to a French-language programme on radio: Wim Wenders was interviewed. He spoke in French, which was a pleasant surprise.

At dinner, dessert was sticky date pudding and caramel sauce.

Got a haircut, the 1st in 5 months. Last Tuesday, Nick asked me if I was going to get my hair tinted now. I said that if the Beastie Boys can have grey hairs (Adam Yauch has more than me) and still stay cool about it all, so can I. Nick's reply was to reach out and grab a grey hair and yank it (as well as a few non-grey ones that his fingers happened to close round) from my head. It was then that I killed him, Officer. (Uh, just kidding.)

Someone I knew, who was just a year or two older than I was, was killed in a car crash due to a drunk driver. Her younger brother was also injured, but he should make it. She had 1 semester to go before graduating from college. (next day...)

Depressing. I pray for her family.

(scrawled in the dark in bed)

I am nauseous and here is why. Men. This is not the rant you think it's going to be. It is all my fault. I am endlessly selfish.

I. A stranger. I tried too hard to impress him. Looked like a fool. Mostly I was angry with myself for spoiling the illusion that I was in control. I so clearly wasn't. He made me stupid. I was ashamed of the way I fawned.

2. It is hard for me to come to terms with

this is too hard

all men are bad
but I am worse