Pete, a friend of mine who is of Czechoslovakian decent, was recently telling me that in all his years he had never heard a Czech joke. By Czech joke I mean "a joke that pokes fun at Czechoslovakians".
After hearing this I set out on an internet quest, Googling deep into the night (OK, not really... I called it quits after an hour or so). What I found was, well, practically nothing. Apparently there aren't that many Czech jokes circling these days. The jokes I did find can be split up into several categories.
Before you read these, I would like to make it clear that Czechoslovakia no longer exists (of course). If I am correct, the area formally known as Czechoslovakia is now known as the Czech Republic and the Republic of Slovakia. I would also like to point out that this change occurred only thirteen years ago, so there are still people out there who were born Czechoslovakian. Taking that into consideration, I will be using the words "Czech" and "Czechoslovakian" interchangeably so I don't have to type the word "Czechoslovakian" out a bazillion times, even though I realize that the term "Czech" nowadays can refer to both a member of the Czech Republic and a member of the former Czechoslovakia.
(1.) "Czech" as a pun
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
These jokes have nothing to do with Czech culture. They simply use the word "Czech" as a pun. The following is the main example, although there are hundreds of variations of this joke:
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
(2.)Poking fun at Czechoslovakia
(a) Two dogs meet in Warsaw´s Old City. One is a Czech dog, well-fed and healthy looking. The other is an emaciated cur, from Poland. The Czech dog comes for a visit and tells the Polish dog that in Prague there is plenty to eat. "Then why have you come here?" asks the cur. "To bark," replies the Czech dog
These jokes poke fun at Czech society, government, leaders, and the over all state of Czechoslovakia. Most of the jokes are old socialist jokes, so they're outdated.
(b) What's the difference between the Czechoslovak Crown and the US Dollar?
-About a dollar.
(c) What does do a British coal miner, and a Czech coal miner have in common?
-Both of them can afford to go on a vacation in Prague.
(d) How are Czech workers like the Japanese?
-Japanese workers work 2 hours a day for themselves, 4 hours a day for capitalists and 4 hours a day for Japan. Czech workers work 2 hours a day for themselves, there are no capitalists, and Japan is very far away.
(e) Czech premier Pithart, Slovak premier Čarnogursky and Federal premier Čalfa are walking across a frozen river and the ice breaks, who is saved?
(3.) Haha, Czech people!
(a) An American doctor visits a Czechoslovak hospital and is given a full tour. Finally, he is taken to the AIDS ward, and the Czech doctor explains that the AIDS patients are well cared for and well fed:
These jokes poke fun at Czechoslovakians themselves. Some basically imply that Czech people are ignorant to the scientific and technological advances of other countries. Others imply that Czechs are heavy drinkers who choose to drink before they think in life or death situations. There are many variations of the latter.
We give them pancakes three times a day," he says.
Pancakes?" Asks the American, "Is this some new treatment?"
No," says the Czech, "It's the only thing that fits under the doors."
(b) A Czech is stranded on a desert island. He finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears and offers him 3 wishes.
I want a cold bottle of beer," says the Czech. A bottle of beer appears and the Czech drinks it all in one swallow. Magically, it fills itself up again.
"It's a magic bottle," says the genie, "It'll never run dry. What do you want for your other wishes?"
Give me two more of these," says the Czech.
(c) An American, a Russian and a Czech are standing next to Niagara Falls discussing possibilities of developing the area.
The American says, "We could build a huge shopping center and theme park here and just rake in the money."
The Russian says, "We could build the worlds largest hydroelectric power plant here, supplying enough power for half of Russia."
The three of them stand quietly for a moment and the other two look at the Czech to ask, "Don't you have any ideas?"
He looks back at the other two and says, "Yeah, but who the fuck cares?"
(4.) How do you pronounce that?
A Czech goes to the optician who shows him a card with the letters:
These jokes make fun of Czechoslovakian names and how difficult it is to pronounce them.
C Z W X N Q S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the optician asks.
"Read it?" the Czech replies, "I even know the guy."
On a bit of a side note, please feel free, or even compelled, to add or message me with any Czech jokes you might know of that do not resemble the jokes I've already listed. Thanks.