A quick preamble is necessary first, I think - today on Radio 4 in the car (because my car iPod charger is bust, so no thrash metal with all the windows down for Hazelnut, and anyhow I like Radio 4) it was mentioned that suspected serial killer Stephen Griffiths gave his name in Court as "the Crossbow Cannibal." So I thought, mise, what an ideal top name for a thrash metal song! It's brutal and just a little bit silly, so I started generating it while bombing down the M4.

If anyone reads this and is considering asking me whether I realise that I am a severely disturbed individual, do not bother, the answer is "yes, next question."


*snare-drum heavy grinding riff, fairly quick, possibly with a small solo thrown into the introduction*

I am the Crossbow Cannibal
Driving in my lorry
Change gear change gear change gear change gear
Murder a prozzie!
I give no explanation
and I do not apologise
And if you go into the woods near Bradford today
You'll GET A BIG SURPRISE!

(chorus)
Crossbow Cannibaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaa-aaaaaal!
Crossbow Cannibaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaa-aaaaaal!
Crossbow Cannibaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaa-aaaaaal!
CROSSBOW CANNIBAL!

I am the Crossbow Cannibal
When I shoot my bolt it kills
I go in search of fallen women
To get my murderous thrills
At uni I study the theory
To brush up on my tactics
Then I go out on the prowl
and PUT IT INTO PRACTICE!

I am the Crossbow Cannibal
Driving in my truck
I go and hire a streetwalker
And pay her for a fuck
And when I'm done I wipe my
spent dick upon her coat
And then I pull my razor and I
GO FOR THE THROAT!

*needless noodly solo here, probably at double speed and probably stolen from something classical*

(chorus)

*and another noodly solo*

I am the Crossbow Cannibal
Out for sick and sordid fun
They say prostitution's a social problem
The solution's here in my gun!
I surf across the internet
Find an escort and phone her
The sight of her cooling blood don't half
GIVE ME A BONER!

I am the Crossbow Cannibal
Sutcliffe's my inspiration
That's why I put him
In all my conversation
I honestly fail to care if I'm
caught or convicted
And when I go to hell I'll find
MURDER UNRESTRICTED!

(chorus)

*quick wheedly sting to finish, followed by a sample of a severed head wetly thunking onto a tiled bathroom floor*


The sound I'm aiming for is equal parts "Slut of Sodom" by Legion of the Damned, Wrong Answer by Municipal Waste, and "Head Crusher" by Megadeth.

Any volunteers?

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