A quixotic creature of the ultramodern age, the elusive garden fairy that is Christian porn is exactly what it says on the tin. If you can read the tin carefully enough. It is pornography, directed at Christians. Naturally, some ground rules apply....

1. This stuff is made only for educational purposes, the ultimate goal being to enhance the God-given pleasurability of an approved relationship.

2. That means, it has to be only intended for use by a Christian couple bound in the bonds of holy matrimony, and it is intended for them to use as a couple (no swinging, no solo adventures. And the sex has to be for procreation. In theory, naturally, it could be argued that a man with a biblically correct multiplicity of wives could get into a threesome, but it is highly doubtful that anything more than incidental pleasurable contact between the ladies would receive BibleGod's approval.

3. As for the stuff itself, the performers must also be an actually legally-and-in-church married (heterosexual) couple -- no good watching others engaged in mere fornication (or, God forbid, full frontal adultery).

4. And, whatever the plotline, the characters, as well, must be married (to each other). There could still be an element of fiction, as real-life happily wed porn actors Joseph and Jill Johnson could be playing fictional happily wed couple Mark and Mary Christianson. Also, the characters portrayed must be Christian, and must vocally acknowledge the fact of their being married and being Christian (come hither my wife, whom I wed in the Church), and the properness of their only being allowed to jump into the sex because of their marital condition. The one exception to the characters-must-be-Christian rule is portrayals of Old Testament era couples (although not anyone who actually appears in the OT, which would be blasphemous); these couples may be of any faith, so long as they are Jewish, and acknowledge their Judaism and God's role in the permissibility of all the sex they're about to do.

5. Ah, and what about the sex acts? Well those have to be biblically correct also. Which surprisingly leaves the field pretty wide open. Cunnilingus? Nothing in the Bible against it. Fellatio? Have at it, fella! No limitations, really, on stroking or licking almost anywhere on the partner's anatomy, nor on using toys. But take care!! No spilling of the seed. All male orgasms must be internal/vaginal, and with no dreaded condom to anger God with wasted sperm. For sanitary reasons, this pretty much scotches anal sex, since you can't safely go back-to-front (I guess the guy could strap on a condom for the anal part, then peel it off to go vaginal and finish up that way, but it would be awkward, probably disfavored). There is, as well, a component of cleanliness to be observed, so ass-licking may be disfavored absent the portrayal of extensive cleaning procedures, and anything going near (much less into) the male participants ass is surely forbidden.

6. One last oddity, it must be pretty clear that the woman is not having her period (the Bible goes on about this for a bit), and is in fact readily fertile, so God-pleasing conception can occur post haste. In fact, nothing would delight God more than the porn performers getting pregnant right there while shooting the scene. Remember, the ultimate goal here is Christian baby-making, and porn-watching is only permissible to the end of achieving that purpose.

7. Finally, remembering this purpose, and the strictures against adultery even in the mind, remember that the reason you're watching this is for its instructional value, not to become aroused simply by the naked visages of the Christian porn performers, no matter how sexy their adoration of Christ may be. You're watching this as a how to, any slip into fantasizing about getting with the people on the screen is a one-way ticket to eternal Hell.

So, good, now you know all about Christian porn, you and your church married Christian spouse of the opposite sex (but of the same race, also biblically proscribed) can receive instruction by observation of another married Christian couple as to how to get each other all hot and lathered up, so you can make enough Christian babies to prevent you from ever having time to enjoy sex again.

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