Take 3 Slim Jims, the medium big ones, about as long as . . . the long lost John Holmes' prize possession. Lay down at least a half a yard of paper towels. Place the 3 Slim Jims on the paper towels.

Take a sharp knife and cut a slice in each Slim Jim, from stem to stern. Just cut deeply enough to cut the skin holding these little morsels of God Knows What together.

Fold up the paper towels so that each Slim Jim is in its own little place. Don't set them be side by side! Goddammit: Don't you know what happens when they get that close to each other!

OK, now, place them in a microwave oven with the paper towels wrapped around a time or two. Punch 14 seconds on the microwave. NO, not 15 and not 20. You freaking geeks always have to round off, don’t you?

Remove the Slim Jims and unfold the paper towels. DO NOT TOUCH THEM. They are not only hot, but quite nasty. Roll them slowly onto a plate, and use a knife and fork to remove whatever that was holding them together. Your dog or cat will love to eat that . . . thing.

And there you go. It's a dozen bites of the best charred cow anus you'll ever enjoy. Not only good, but good for you!

And you can thank me in the morning.

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