Everyone's having fun in those wacky car commercials, right? Driving all over the world in a matter of seconds, or cavorting about with a bunch of attractive young people, et cetera.

It's all lies!

This is essentially what Madison Avenue is doing with car commercials: they show you an activity associated with the product in order to market that product to you, but you can't do that activity in real life.

One such commercial features a man in a suit and tie walking down a sunny suburban street, presumably heading home from work, then sees a gaggle of giggling little kids in a yard playing with a Slip and Slide. He gets an idea, drops his jacket, runs up to the slide and jumps onto it. Then he's flying through the slide in slow motion, smiling and laughing through the water all the while. Then this "rush" is compared to the driving of a certain new automobile.

Sounds like fun, right? Well, while this man is reliving some of the best moments of his childhood, tiny text appears on the bottom of the screen (paraphrase):

Professional stuntman. These slides are intended for use by children only and may cause injury to teens and adults.

Dammit! What was the point of showing that and associating it with the product if we can't even emulate the activity outside of our living rooms?

Another such commercial shows a concert scene. A gigantic crowd of people are waving their arms and bobbing about in front of a stage. A certain car rolls onto the stage, then it rolls onto the crowd, and it continues to roll, being aided by those present; the idea is to portray the car as a rock'n'roll crowdsurfer. But then we're given yet another prohibition by those damned advertizers:

Always drive on roads, never on people.

That's not fair! They want the people watching this ad to identify the car with crowdsurfing, but if we can't crowdsurf with cars, even/especially with this particular automobile, what's the point?

And those bastards don't stop there. Another auto advert starts out with a big rig at the side of the road and someone (who turns out to be a handsome young man) pulling over in his shiny new car ahead of the truck, getting out and approaching the truck.

Handsome actor: Need any help?
Rugged trucker actor: (Rolls his eyes) Yeah.
Handsome actor: Make sure it's in neutral.
(The handsome actor gets on the ground and takes a peek under the front of the truck.)
Handsome actor: (Gets up) Make sure the parking brake is off.
(Rugged trucker actor looks stunned.)

Wow. This car they're advertizing has enough power to tow one of those eighteen-wheelers, huh? That's really something. Unfortunately, during this exchange, the all-to-familiar tiny text strikes once again:

Can you tow a semi with our car? Nah. See the owner's manual.

Jesus Christ! They're advertizing that this car has enough power to tow a truck, and then the damned hypocrites tell you that you can't actually tow a truck? This is the most ludicrous of them all. There are no slip and slides, no crowds, this is an everyday situation on the road. This dashing guy intends to tow this hapless trucker's monstrous vehicle by using his own conveyance, the very vehicle that is being advertized, and then we're told that this cannot actually be done!

Car commercials are show you all these magnificent endeavours associated with their product, and then they tell you that the endeavour is actually not feasible in reality. They won't let you have any fun. They must pay for all their lies.

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