Brian is my co-worker and sits at the same desk. He used to be a bomb-disposal officer with the British Army in Northern Ireland and got both of his legs and his external genitalia blown off in a booby-trap bomb. Brian is another hero of the type we meet every day.

Brian says...

• that a wheelchair is the most comfortable form of seating ever devised
• that writing COBOL is God's punishment for having cheated on his ex-wife
• that kids are the best thing in this life
• that he could take me in a fight any day of the week
• that the word disabled is a pretty euphamism for cripple and he'd rather tell the truth
• that life as a castrato is almost better. "I only want to enjoy my job, see my kids from time to time and drink my Guinness. The rest doesn't matter anymore.
• that the best thing about pissing through a tube is that it doesn't stand up in the morning
• that the Irish are God's people. "They're as big a bunch of useless bastards as He is"
• that the worst thing in the world is to be a cripple with a fear of elevators
• that most bombs are crap - "I've had louder farts"
• that he doesn't want to blow up the terrorists who did this to him - "I'd just nail their feet to the fucking floor and see how they like it"
• that only men with small penises wear neckties. "It's a big arrow, isn't it? Advertising is always a lie".
• that the best thing about being in a wheelchair is that he can get pretty young women to make cups of tea for him
• that the best thing about being asexual is that he no longer cares whether they do or not
• that for him, at least, it's a wonderful life.