Teenage Angst is an uncomfortable state of mind. I think it is probably the best way to describe my current mental sphere, with the somewhat harrowing additions that I am no longer a teenager (thankfully, I stopped being a teenager about four years ago), and that - unlike most sufferers of this self-loathing, hormone-ridden, gutwrenchingly personality exploration-driven unneccesary drivel - I am thoroughly aware of the prognosis of this fear.
The past couple of months, I have been sidestepping fate relatively effortlessly, as s/he has been lobbing, hurling, and casually-yet-precisionfully chucking curveballs at me.
Life-changing experiences aplenty in the past few weeks. As the result of a building sensation of impending doom, I decided to move out from my one-year-long cohabiting with my girlfriend, only to discover that we work better as a couple now that we don't live together, than we ever did. Which, of course, is an excellent excuse for a lesson in self-evaluation, although this has thus far proven absolutely futile.
Graduating from University, starting your own business, observing my parents move from India via The Netherlands to their Port of Spain, Trinidad, my car breaking down again and discovering that my current landlord is considering to sell the house I live in, and is considering to put me out on the street less than 6 months after I moved in here - it all causes a certain level of stress. Or perhaps stress is the wrong word. The right word would be more like a perpetual sense of paranoia - something is waiting to pounce on me from around every corner, just because that is the sort of thing that is supposed to happen to me nowadays.
In a constant state of superficial fear - not enough to actually be worried, but just enough to wake up in a pool of sweat and a vague memory of a nightmare every night - with the added bonus of my business not yet running properly, so the iron claw of cashflow problems hovering a couple of inches outside my field of vision.
The problem, of course, is down to my own choices. I chose starting a business over taking gainful employment. I chose to drive a mini over something that would run and run. I chose to move away from my girlfriend. Some times I feel as if I am the richest person in the world, and when that happens, I know that all the choices I have made have been the right ones. Other times, I feel that the skies are about to collapse into my little universe, and taking me and all my problems with it.
Interestingly enough, when things are good, it seems as if they were never bad. When things are bad, it appears as if they will never improve. But they do. And they were. And it changes several times a day.
At least my life is not boring at the moment. Or at least I keep telling myself that this is an advantage.