An Asshole Race is a special case of Spontaneous Moron Forces, wherein a number of mindless assholes equal to the number of lanes on the highway form up in line-abreast formation at 75 miles per hour and drool merrily in their laps as they watch the gap in front of them grow larger . . . and larger . . . and larger.

They can be encouraged to stop drooling by tailgating and the flashing of headlights, but these methods are unreliable. The best method is to come up behind them at 100 mph, flash your lights, and brake at the last moment -- and *then* start tailgating. This gets their attention.

Fortunately, asshole races are composed of mindless morons who have congenitally short attention spans and sluggish minds (if any). Sooner or later, one of them will get confused and allow you an opening. Courtesy demands that you give them the finger as you pass them: This reminds them that they have lost.


Another popular Asshole Passtime here in Massachusetts is the Variable Speed Asshole, a.k.a. the Solo Asshole Race. It is done in semi-dense traffic, such that passing on the right is often not possible. In the Solo Asshole Race, a mindless asshole shambles into in the left lane and decelerates to the Canonical Asshole Speed of 75 mph. You're stuck behind him because the middle and right lanes are too crowded. The asshole will not respond to polite requests couched in tailgating, headlight-flashing, and small-arms fire. After an endless span of time, the lesser assholes in the middle lane wander aimlessly off to die, so you change lanes rightward to try to pass the greater asshole in front of you. This is his cue to accelerate to match your speed. He'll go as fast as you want, until another limping lesser asshole drifts into view in front of you in the middle lane. At this point, if you can't get in the far right lane, you're screwed and the whole thing starts all over again. In this manner, the Solo Asshole manages to duplicate the full Asshole Race experience singlehandedly, with the accidental complicity of "found assholes" who turn up along the way.

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