After 17 years... I found my daughter!!!

17 years ago, after I got divorced, my ex-wife decided it was better if I had nothing to do with my daughter and hid for many years.

For those of you with kids imagine having your 1 year old daughter ripped out of your life, it left a big rotting hole inside of me for years to come. I looked for Jessi for years, and found her when she was a freshman in high school. I knew if I tried to contact her at that age it could have had an adverse reaction and could have caused major stress, but I didn't give up. I have a cousin who worked at the high school Jessi attends who would send me photographs, yearbooks, and other info. Jessi turned 18 in November of 2005 and will graduate in May 2006.

On Sunday April 23, 2005 I was talking to my sister about how I found some very questionable photographs of a close friend's daughter on her myspace website, and my sister said "Have you searched for Jessi on myspace?" and I had never thought of doing that until she mentioned it. When my wife and I got home I headed right to my laptop and headed to myspace, when the page loaded I typed her name into the search... and there she was! As I sat there staring at my little 1 year old girl all grown up, it brought me to my knees. There she is, right in front of me on my screen looking back at me, and the tears began to flow. My  next dilemma was what do I say? will she accept me? does she hate me or love me?

I sent her an email saying who I was and that I would love to talk to her. I can honestly say I have never checked my email so much as I did that night, hoping for a reply even if it was to tell me go away, at least I would know how she felt. After several hours of checking my email, I finally went to bed. When I woke up Monday morning, she had not only answered my email and sent me pictures, she added me to her yahoo messenger.

I read and replied to her email giving her certain information that proves I am who I said I am and noticed she was on her yahoo messenger. Once I swallowed the huge lump I had in my throat, I sent her just a short message saying hello, I swear I could hear my heart pounding louder and louder waiting for her reply, and then... "HI DAD" popped onto the message window, and I knew at that point that everything was going to be ok.

We have spent the last few days chatting with each other online and getting to know each other again. The first time my baby said "I love you Dad", My chest swelled with pride, a pride I have not known for 17 years.

I let her know I have been keeping tabs on her, showing her the different photos I had of her, and I even showed her the node I wrote about her 2 years ago. We discussed my family and hers, and she found out she has a new step-brother now. My whole family has been walking on clouds since we found her.

Jessi graduates next month and I told her I wish I could come up with the money to go to her graduation, but that just wasn't possible, she tells me that her grandmother is going to give her the money to come down for a visit after gradation.

I cannot wait until I can give my baby a hug and let daddy's little girl know that everything is going to be ok, and assure her that we will never lose track with each other no matter what.

I hope this will be her first of many visits, and I hope I can be the dad that she wants me to be, I love my baby.

ok, um. Wow. This is embarrassing. And I'm gonna fucking kill him.

I was up at 4am when I heard the iron gate at my apartment building's front door creak open and slam shut. I had just finished cleaning the living room (Well? When do YOU clean?) and was watching some South Park. The noise was confusing and not entirely welcome.

Fifteen minutes later (I live on the third floor, so the delay was also confusing) after much bumping and sliding, I hear a key scraping against the lock, trying desperately to find its way in. It succeeds, eventually, but it becomes apparent that they've either got the wrong key or got the wrong door.

Oh. Then I got it.

I pop up and spring the locks and one of my roommates stumbles in, drunk as a skunk. I hadn't been on the other side of that particular table in a number of years, lemme tell ya. He sits on the coffee table, bleary and talking in that familiar way only the drunk can, about bars and bartenders and stupid things done. I get him to bed, eventually, and, crisis averted, grab my laptop and head to the bathroom to, um, think.

As I'm in there, there's some more bumping and whatnot, and my roommate, I guess trying to be helpful, kills the bathroom light (the switch for which is outside the door,) and before I can say anything I hear his bedroom door slam.

So I'm sitting on the can in the dark, illuminated only by my laptop screen. Ok. No problem, I was done thinking anyway. I stand up and open the bathroom door.

That is, I try to open the bathroom door. My roommate's helpfulness apparently extended to him locking me in from the outside. Why our bathroom locks from the outside in the first place, I have no idea; it was probably implemented by the same genius who puts light switches outside of rooms.

So I'm locked in the bathroom in a t-shirt and a pair of boxers with nothing on me but a laptop with a drunk passed out ten feet away that I don't really want to wake up even if I could

Thank god for Wifi.

Um. So. If anybody from the nynvb is awake and feels like swinging by Bed Stuy before work tomorrow, I'd love to hear from you. Might need a little help here.

I'm gonna go pass out in the tub.

I popped the lock with a disassembled razor blade, so no worries.
But I'm still gonna fucking kill him.

Today marks three months with the girl. That makes this officially the longest relationship I've ever been in. At least the longest I've ever taken seriously.

School's in finals come Wednesday. Then, me and her are taking a week and going down to Mexico. We're gonna get a little place down there, buy some cheap rum, and hang out on the beach for a while.

Then I fly off to LA for the rest of the summer. She's working at some day camp in Long Island. We might see eachother for a weekend here or there. I'm back on the east coast in August, and we'll probably spend a weekend or two together. Then, another golden semester before shit gets tough. I've applied to go abroad second semester next year, to London. Probably spend the summer after that in LA again, god willing. Then I get back, we have one more semester together, and then she'll most likely go abroad, second half of my senior year.

I know I'm thinking about this pretty long term, but I have my reasons. She turned to me the other day, and said, in a cutesy way, "At this point, either you break up with me or we get married." On the one hand, hey, I got security with this one. Whatever i've been doing has worked, and she's totally into me, 100%. I could do this. Maybe.

On the other hand, though, I'm a sophomore in college, she's a freshman. I'm far from ready to settle down, and for her to say something like that, well, it shakes me up. Over the next two and a half years, we won't actually be together for periods of time adding up to over a full year. It's just not realistic. I'm not ready for this.

I'm going to break her heart, and its killing me. Because I want to live in the moment and enjoy every second I have with her, but I know, in my heart, despite my best efforts, I can't really rationalize staying with her much beyond next semester. She's thinking about what to name the children, and I'm thinking about how I can best cut and run.

And the worst of it is, spending the rest of my life with her really wouldn't be that bad. I could do that. We jive. But its that old chestnut, the itchy feet, the search for the Bigger Better Deal. I'm not disciplined enough for this. I'm not ready.

So do I play the pessimist and end this, before she grows even more attached? I can hurt her a good deal now, or a greater deal later. Either way, I'm really going to do a number on this girl. Or I could live for the moment, forget these doubts, and see how shit goes.

Man, this shit is tough. I love her. But I don't know if that's enough.