Merit Whore for the Ages™
The Everything Noder Pageant® 2003
There was a rather long commercial break recently, but the contestants are back out parading for you, all the better for the bit of rest. Of course none of them got to eat any Easter eggs, what with this round being the Swimsuit Contest...
As usual, there has been plenty of backstage intrigue. Erstwhile Judge E has returned to the fold, replacing Judge A, who asked to be excused when he heard that there would be half-naked women before him. Or something. Judge E (now A) flatly denies the Miss Turkmenistan rumours, and there is no comment on the rumours circulating about Judge E/A and the lovely luscious Pageant© organiser.
It is with sadness that we note the deferment of Miss Portugal and Miss Spain's walkouts. There has been some delay in their countries' ferrying their swimsuits hither. We hope that their Swimsuits arrive before the conclusion of the Ballgown round, or they may sadly find themselves omitted from the Judge's Interview stage.
Put your hands together ladies and gentlemen, as we welcome our seXXXy swimsuited swans!
We wait anxiously for the delivery of Miss Spain's swimsuit.
Miss DRC takes us into the secret lives of girls, wearing her sexually aggressive itsy bitsy teensy weensy yellow polka dot bikini, accessorised with a good helping of guilt.
Miss Suriname's swimsuit has been inspired by Dian Fossey's exploits with the Gorillas in the Mist, and is wearing a suit that is inoffensive to gorillas, but not very popular with the locals.
Miss FSM is possibly running late, we're not sure.
Miss Serbia got over the demise of her president by telling us all about the last time a Serbian head of state got assassinated. Her mourning has clearly not done her any ill, and she looks absolutely fetching.
Miss Ethiopia has filled her time reading the works of Ezra Pound. If you don't know who he is, have a peek at her swimsuit, I'm sure it'll inspire you to find out.
Miss Portugal has asked for a short time-out, and in light of her heartbreaking appearance in the Talent Contest, how could we not grant it to her?
Miss Norway makes her entry in a Roman-inspired suit. Miss Norway, you better pray that Caesar doesn't catch you, honey, or you may find he's not such a bad General after all.
Miss Canada comes on stage in a swimsuit that assures us she'd not just a pretty face. If you catch her backstage, she'll happily conduct an experiment with you to calculate the Exergy of any situation you can contrive.
We should warn you that Miss Australia's swimsuit is under copywrite and protected by Copy Control Technology. If you try to clone her swimsuit, you will be rendered with one that goes see-through the instant that water touches it.
Miss Thailand takes to the stage in a swimsuit inspired by seventeenth century Thai traditional dress. Um... what was that? Right, we're going to a commercial -- COULD SOMEONE THROW A TOP ONTO MISS THAILAND BEFORE WE GET BACK? Look, I don't care if it doesn't go, we have children watching this show you know...
Miss Iraq... Not even the recent liberation of her country has coaxed Miss Iraq out of her abaya. Rumours that she is hiding the much-awaited roadmap to peace in the Middle East are as-yet unconfirmed.
Our Beauties have exceeded themselves yet again. Please give them another round of applause!
The standings, after two rounds:
| Contestant | R1 | R2 | R3 | R4 | Total | Rank |
| Spain | 43.2 | 14.4 | | | 57.6 | 11 |
| D.R.Congo | 38.4 | 43.8 | | | 82.2 | 6 |
| Suriname | 39.0 | 42.1 | | | 81.1 | 7 |
| Micronesia | 38.5 | 38.5 | | | 77.0 | 8 |
| Serbia | 44.8 | 31.8 | | | 76.6 | 9 |
| Ethiopia | 42.7 | 45.1 | | | 87.8 | 2 |
| Portugal | 44.1 | 42.6 | | | 86.7 | 3 |
| Norway | 39.9 | 42.4 | | | 82.3 | 5 |
| Canada | 36.7 | 31.4 | | | 68.1 | 10 |
| Turkmenist | *withdrawn * | 13 |
| Australia | 42.1 | 41.5 | | | 83.6 | 4 |
| Thailand | 43.5 | 48.0 | | | 91.5 | 1 |
| Iraq | 25.1 | 25.2 | | | 50.3 | 12 |
See also: April 3, 2003 * March 26, 2003 * March 21, 2003 * March 13, 2003 * March 3, 2003 * February 24, 2003