In the classic sixteenth century novel
Gargantua and Pantagruel, a great novel that predates the writings of
Cervantes and
Shakespeare, and is guaranteed permanent inclusion in the
western canon of literature, noted author
Francois Rabelais gave careful consideration to the subject of alternatives to toilet paper.
In the thirteenth chapter of the first book, titled "How Grandgousier realized Gargantua's marvelous intelligence, by his invention of an Arse-wipe," the protagonist Gargantua (from whose name we have derived the word Gargantuan), while still a child, explores many options for wiping his arse, until he finally arrives at what he finds to be the best.
Among the items that he uses to wipe his arse, the following are included:
- A lady's velvet mask
- A lady's hood
- A lady's neckerchief
- Some earflaps of crimson satin
- A page's bonnet, all feathered in the Swiss fashion
- A March-born cat
- His Mother's gloves, well scented with maljamin
- Sage
- Fennel
- Anise
- Marjoram
- Roses
- Gourd Leaves
- Cabbage
- Beets
- Vineshoots
- Marsh-mallow
- Mullein, which is as red as your bum
- Lettuces
- Spinach-leaves
- Dog's Mercury
- Persicaria
- Nettles
- Comfrey
- His Codpiece
- The Sheets
- The Coverlet
- The Curtains
- A Cushion
- The Hangings
- A Green Cloth
- A Table-cloth
- A Napkin
- A Handkerchief
- An Overall
- Hay
- Straw
- Litter
- Cow's Hair
- Wool
- Paper
- A Kerchief (again)
- A Pillow
- A Slipper
- A Game-bag
- A Basket
- A Hat... and some hats are
- Smooth
- Shaggy
- Velvety
- Of Taffeta
- Of Satin
...though the best of all are the shaggy ones
- A Hen
- A Cock
- A Chicken
- A Calf's Skin
- A Hare
- A Pigeon
- A Cormorant
- A Lawyer's Bag
- A Penitent's Hood
- A Coif
- An Otter
- A Well-downed Goose
Some of these options, he finds, are not so good, for instance the ear flaps of crimson satin, of which he states:
"...there were a lot of turdy gilt spangles on them,
and they took all the skin off my bottom. May
St. Anthony's fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith
who made them and of the lady who wore them!"
As for paper, it leaves him less than satisfied with the results:
"Who his foul bum with paper wipes
Will on his ballocks leave some chips."
But it is the last option, the well-downed goose, that leaves him most satisfied:
"But to conclude, I say and maintain that there
is no arse-wiper like a well-downed goose,
if you hold her neck between your legs.
You must take my word for it, you really must.
You get a miraculous sensation in your arse-hole,
both from the softness of the down and from the
temperate heat of the goose herself; and this is
easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest
of the intestines, from which it reaches the heart
and the brain."
All quotes from the J.M Cohen translation.