Taking a leak is a complex procedure and a minefield of social faux pas-es. It might seem (to the non-bloke casual observer) like a trivial procedure of pulling the Holden over to the side of the road, finding a reasonably foliaged bush and bleeding the lizard; but it's not.

Not at all.

In reality, the above scenario only occurs when the bloke concerned is on his own on a fairly sheltered road. In the REAL bloke world, when you're barrelling up the Auckland motorway (well, as barrelling as you can with the handbrake driving as the designated driver, at 93 km/hr because you and the mates have made the compulsory pub stops which render you unable to drive AND retain your license), it's not as simple as that. One must consider Leak etiquette.

Leak Etiquette: General Rules

  • Never take a leak onto the ground. Urine must be only be directed at vertical objects, such as trees, bushes etc. However, taking a leak over a bank or off a bridge is allowed, especially if it's on the way home from the pub. If you are exceptionally boozed other non-vertical items can be used. The boot or back seat of a Ford Escort or Datsun Bluebird for instance. If you are exceptionally boozed and have a blood/alcohol level of an embalmed corpse a fridge or washing machine has, sadly, been known to look vertical.
  • Always concentrate on what you're doing. No one wants yours.
  • Never look at another guys dick. Ever.
  • Never, Ever, make a comment about another blokes dick. "Shit, that's a big bastard" is completely inappropriate. If you somehow happen to break this rule, never, EVER, begin your comment with "FUCK ME...". Results are indeterminant, especially if drinking in a pub where they put fruit down the spout of your bottle.
  • Never flash your dick. Especially if it's fucking humungous. There's no need to upset the lads. Be humble.

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