I am more confused right now than I have been in a long time. Things are changing in my life and I am not sure how to handle these changes.

I'm getting to the point where I'm winding down my studies and having to decide where I really want to go from here.

The dreams I once had, I lost...I don't know exactly what I want anymore. I used to be the kind of person where I could tell you the week, month, six month, year, two year, five year, ten year plan. And show you how I was sticking to my plan and succeeding.

What do I want? When it comes to my professional life, I don't know.

In my personal life, I'd like for my heart to stop hurting. I feel rather stupid for getting involved with someone in the first place. But I would have had to at some point. I'm a hopeless romantic. I can't help but wear my heart on my sleeve. Unfortunately for me, the English are just about the most unromantic race amongst all people. I went and fell in love with an old friend. I went and fell in love with someone who has remarked that he is my perfect match. I fell in love with someone who is still raw from his failed marriage. Everyone has baggage, I know...and it was good that he had some, because we understood each other...but what happens when his baggage gets in the way? When communication breaks down?

It seems that somewhere along the way, he has forgotten all the things he learned about me. He has forgotten how to be a friend, how to be a paramour, how to be a respectful, responsible person.

I never thought he would be one to cause me pain. I never thought I would cry over him. We need to talk. And I feel that if we don't talk before he goes away on a business trip next week, and I go on holiday, we will never sort out what is wrong. Leaving something hanging is not something I like to do.

I hate myself for putting myself in this position. I swear up and down that if this doesn't work, I will never fall in love again. This is the second time that I have been in love and even though it's the greatest feeling in the world, I think maybe what comes with it isn't worth it. I had to deal with death and bereavement, mourning, depression...That love almost killed me. This one won't. This isn't anywhere near as bad. But the new wound makes the old ones ache.

Wanting to go back to the way things were gets you nowhere. Because you can never go back.