I wanted Mary to cry blood (person)
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Thu Oct 19 2000 at 3:33:08
I want her to cry blood or something equally dramatic, kneel down, maybe,
touch my face
, maybe. Or smile. It's not so much. No one else need see it and
I will never tell
. Her low-lidded sleepy eyes are not looking at anything I can see.
I am here for a miracle, Mary, can't you see one is needed?
I need a rapture.
I need a window in, into anything you can show me.
When the moon first rose
I was not there to see it. I don't know the details,
I wasn't invited.
That has never stopped making me wince.
(Am I selfish in all of this? Is she?)
Alone in a darkened church.
I might be mistaken for a crazy person, a speaking-in-tongues person, a person who has been touched or spoken to from on high. I am none of those. I am not driven mad. If I mutter or gesture it is only an attempt to call something out. Like getting drunk to see if you're an alcoholic. Like seeing how far over a line you can go before you can't get back. Like risking a fall, to see if there is anyone waiting to catch you. Like begging for anything true.
Mary, I suppose it is possible that you are waiting for a sign from me.
If you want me to be a candle, I will be one. I will stand tall and I will let something burn.
I have always been burning.
I will grow still and strong. I will wait. I will close my eyes. If you will help me pray.
I like it!
I have always been burning
Close your eyes, I will help you pray
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