i want to run away.
no kidding.
i just want to wander and zigzag and tiptoe around the world for a while, and scratch it and vacuum goodness from it, to the greatest quantity i can possibly gather and grasp, just forget about success and the future and trying to `shape my life' and loss and mcdeath and micro$oft and rent and “meaning” and relationships and just:
do what really fucking matters,
which really, is each little human's personal thing. and my personal thing, my pretties, is everything! and i am not just speaking of this site, i mean everything, this entire earth, the fragrances, a sculpture, romeo and juliet, some stars, the feeling of running, a mislaid book, a weary traveler, coffee in a styrofoam cup and the energy emanating from the body of a person in love.
i just want to be allowed to do whatever i damn want.. many might see it as a personal weakness but i cannot for the life of me satisfy myself with thoughts of something better, whilst doing something i loathe. if i have a mind-numbing, depressing job, i can’t be happy knowing that later, i can read, i can collapse on the floor or cry for no reason if i want. i have to be able to do whatever i want, when i want. otherwise, i feel an urge to die. i never see the point in doing things i do not need to do. i’m sure some of you might tell me you need to get your hands a little dirty in order to work for what you want.. the things i want don't require work though. the things i want just require me to have the bravery to just say "screw it, i'm separating myself from you, nasty, brainless world".
the insane part of this is, i am already separated.. i don't know why i cant make it certified and take my separation somewhere pretty, rather than letting my separation remain a stagnant, ill existence. around the rest of you, working for and like the rest of you, but never really being a part of it.
i want to dash about and write a while and sneak into theaters and kiss a stranger and steal a sailboat and be part of a cabaret show and see a castle and touch some stone.. play in disneyland, pretend to be a child, draw graphs which map quite ludicrous things..
just, anything.
i have to have the courage to be an absolute nobody. this is all i really want.
i read franny & zooey quite recently.. franny said it better than i could have:
"i'm not afraid to compete. it's just the opposite. don't you see that? i'm afraid i will compete- that's what scares me. that's why i quit the theater department. just because i'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because i like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. i'm ashamed of it. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. i'm sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash."
{back by popular demand}