[i want to run away].

no kidding.

i just want to [wander] and zigzag and tiptoe around the world for a while, and scratch it and vacuum [goodness] from it, to the greatest quantity i can possibly gather and grasp, just forget about success and [the future] and trying to `shape my life' and loss and [mcdeath] and [micro$oft] and rent and “meaning” and relationships and just:

do what really fucking matters,

which really, is each little human's personal thing. and my personal thing, my pretties, is [everything]! and i am not just speaking of this site, i mean everything, this entire earth, the fragrances, a sculpture, [romeo and juliet], some stars, the feeling of running, a mislaid book, a weary traveler, coffee in a [styrofoam cup] and the energy emanating from the body of a person in love.

i just want to be allowed to do whatever i damn want.. many might see it as a personal weakness but i cannot for the life of me satisfy myself with thoughts of something better, whilst doing something i loathe. if i have a [mind-numbing], depressing job, i can’t be happy knowing that later, i can read, i can collapse on the floor or [cry for no reason] if i want. i have to be able to do whatever i want, when i want. otherwise, i feel an urge to die. i never see the point in doing things i do not need to do. i’m sure some of you might tell me you need to get your hands a little dirty in order to work for what you want.. the things i want don't require work though. the things i want just require me to have the bravery to just say "[screw it, i'm separating myself from you, nasty, brainless world]".

the insane part of this is, i am already separated.. i don't know why i cant make it certified and take my separation somewhere pretty, rather than letting my [separation] remain a [stagnant], ill existence. around the rest of you, working for and like the rest of you, but never really being a part of it.

i want to dash about and [write a while] and sneak into theaters and [kiss a stranger] and steal a sailboat and be part of a [cabaret] show and see a castle and touch some stone.. play in [disneyland], pretend to be a child, draw graphs which map quite ludicrous things.. just, anything.
i have to have the courage to be an absolute nobody. this is all i really want.

i read [franny and zooey|franny & zooey] quite recently.. franny said it better than i could have:

"i'm not afraid to compete. it's just the opposite. don't you see that? i'm afraid i will compete- that's what scares me. that's why i quit the theater department. just because i'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because i like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. i'm [ashamed] of it. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. [i'm sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash]."

{back by popular demand}

Having the courage to be an absolute nobody (idea)