First of all, I love Alan Keyes. He couldn't give a damn less what you think of him, and that's why he'll never be elected County Clerk anywhere, except maybe Montana. That's what I love about him. He tells you exactly what he thinks about the issues.

I got some grief from a good noder who was saying that in all the writeups here, there was nothing to tell him who Alan Keyes is. I will spend ten minutes trying to do that. (Time Stamp: This node was updated on 1/24/2001). I know it's a pitiful attempt to summarize a man's life, but I've got other fish to fry tonight. But a promise made is a promise kept. (Who said that? There's another guy who will tell you what he thinks. However, he can soften the tone enough to be elected President. Thank God.)

Keyes was born in New York on August 7, 1950. His dad was a Sergeant in the US Army. He's got a wife and three kids and now lives in Maryland. (Hear that, Randofu? Run! Pump those crazy legs!)

He's been a candidate for President on the Republican ticket a couple of times. The last time was in 2000. He gets some of the very hard right's votes because of his no-holds-barred stand on abortion. In fact, he sees this as America's biggest problem. (Excuse me, Alan, if I'm wrong here; but I've heard you speak about this several times, and I think I'm right.) He equates it to the general lack of morality infecting the country and actually thinks this will lead to our downfall. Who's to say he's wrong? Only time will tell, eh?

His other hot button issues are abolishing the income tax altogether, making sure the right to bear arms is not compromised in any way, school choice, and I think you can see the trend. A Republican's Republican, even though many would say he's more of a Libertarian in many ways. Except the abortion thing . . . And that's the rub. That's why he can't get any sort of sea legs in an election. He sounds like Pat Buchanan when it comes to American sovereignty, but when he gets to the abortion deal, it gets a little wacky.

I would like to say that for a liberal to make a comment about how it's ironic for a black man to be running for the Presidency on the Republican ticket is a wonderful example of just who the real racists are in America. You see, most of us right wingers (contrary to what Peter Jennings tells you on the news each night) don't give a rat's ass about what color the person is: We want to know what's in his or her heart and what they'll do when they get elected. There's not much doubt about what Keyes would do, and God bless him if the time ever comes.

To summarize the man's life, Alan Keyes is like the John Belushi character from Saturday Night Live who used to read the news. He'd start out being all sane and rational, then, during the reading, he'd morph into some nut case who would wind up flying out of his chair toward the end. I loved watching Belushi do that. And I love watching Keyes do it, too.