Coffee is proof of the existence of God.

That's right! Coffee, that beverage that gets us going in the morning and keeps us awake at night, is proof of the existence of God. In order to understand why this is so, we need to consider how the coffee beverage was developed. It must have been something like this:

A person is walking through the jungle one day and sees some berries on a tree. The berries look like they might be good to eat so the person picks a few berries from the tree, pops them into their mouth and starts chewing. Moments later, they spit the mushed up pulp and beans out onto the ground along with the rest of their lunch.

Being determined, the person picks a small sack of berries and takes them back to the village. The other villagers are in awe at this discovery and quickly jump in to help extract the hard bean kernel from the surrounding berry pulp. Once they've got all the kernels extracted, our intrepid trend setter pops a few of them into their mouth and starts chewing. Moments later, the beans and a broken tooth are on the ground and cries of anguish fill the air.

A few days later, our hero realizes that one who gives up is a wimp (or something like that) so they grab a few of the now dried beans and pop them into their mouth. Seconds later, another broken tooth and the beans fly through the air and the other villagers learn some new words.

Not one to give up easily, our trailblazer takes the remaining beans and uses the village's mortar and pestle (all jungle villages have these although most villagers are careful to not let any visiting anthropologists see them) to grind them into a fine powder. Being the inquisitive sort (you knew that already), the bean grinder (i.e. the human) then licks the powder that is still sticking to the pestle (or is it the mortar, I'm not really sure but you probably aren't either so it doesn't really matter now does it?). Moments later, and I do mean moments later, they spit the powder onto the ground and make strange faces.

Not prepared to be defeated so easily, our dear ancestor takes some of the powder and tries to mix it into a bowl of water. Nothing much happens so they drain off the water and take a small taste of the wet powder. See last sentence of previous paragraph.

Realizing that hot water might work better, they boil some water (see "fire, invention of" for more information) and then take some of the powder and mix it into the water. After stirring things for a while, they drain off the liquid and try the powder again. Ditto.

Knowing that it is always darkest before the dawn, our budding genius takes some more of the powder and stirs it into yet another bowl of boiling water. This time, they carefully drain the liquid off into another bowl and discard the powder. They proceed to take a sip of the liquid and, as you know, the rest is history!

Hmmmm. There's a problem with that explanation isn't there? There is simply no way that anyone could have the combination of stamina, perseverance, intelligence and sheer stupidity to go through that sequence of trials! Therefore, the coffee beverage wasn't invented by humans.

Since the beverage does exist and humans didn't invent it then it must have been a gift from a higher power - i.e. there is a higher power!

Therefore, there is a God and he really loves us because he gave us the knowledge to brew coffee!


I read this somewhere once. I suppose that that makes this a "cut and paste" writeup although, it is actually more of an "ingest data into brain, mix slowly for a few years with other data, spray resulting mixture at a keyboard" writeup. Hopefully, that makes it all ok . . .


A different source (the May 5th, 2005 edition of The Coffee News - a free publication found in many local restaurants in Sherwood Park, Alberta ( claims that coffee was "discovered" in Ethiopia in 850AD. By the 13th century it was in Arabia and 200 years later it was in Turkey and eventually arrived in Europe. It was apparently first used as a food, then as a wine, then as medicine all before it became a beverage (some might even argue that it has now become a drug).