"Come on, work those buns. Don't you want nice, tight buns?"

--Denise Austin

Many people spend time thinking about tight buns. Other numbers of people, who are difficult to count because of the number of them, work on trying to get tight buns. So, what is the big deal with having tight buns? It is likely for the looking, as sitting down is in all likelihood more comfortable if you have pillow-like buns.

Let's get to work on tight buns!

The first thing you need to do is to find a personal trainer or order an exercise video. I recommend Denise Austin as I love watching her videos, although not for doing the workouts, unless you call that a workout, which may or may not cause forearms to become more powerful. I recommend switching hands if you are doing this activity or you will develop one arm more muscular than the other and people will know.

This is a writeup about tight buns and not a writeup about playing with yourself which is not talked about by polite people so it is time to stop.

The appeal of tight buns

If I tell you that you are pretty (which you are), then you might want to know what it is I find pretty about you. It might be your big, brown eyes. It might be your long legs. It might be your amazing cleavage. It might be your well groomed moustache. It could even be your full, red lips. There is so much that it could be but it is probably a combination of factors. Many things combine to make a person such as yourself as phenomenally pretty to me as you most certain are (you really are very pretty and I mean it). One of the things that might really stand out, however, is likely to be a set of tight buns.

Why is it that more and more people are looking away from the usual places, the heaving breasts, the manly forearms, and the cut of your jig and turning towards tight buns? According to a recent survey I glanced at while I was enjoying some soft-shelled crabs at Faidley's, my favorite restaurant, somewhere around 5,000 people are turning away from other body parts and listing tight buns as their favorite part of a man or woman's anatomy each year (this survey has a margin of error of five percent).

In speaking to the bartender at a bar down the street from Faidley's (which I will not name because that is considered an endorsement and while I am secure in endorsing Faidley's, I am not secure in endorsing this shithole), I found out some things. Apparently more and more people are sick and tired of jiggly buttocks in the bedroom and are asking around about the availability of tight buns and where to find them. So, if you want to score big in the dating scene, get yourself some tight buns.

How do I know if I have tight buns?

There is a simple way, suggested by the bartender from the shithole bar I was in recently. What you do is go into the bathroom, at home (or in public if you are daring), drop your trousers, point your buttocks at the mirror and then try to grab each cheek with one of your hands (usually the matching hand, i.e. right hand for right buttock and left hand for left buttock). If you can hold each buttock in your hand without (a) measurable overflow, or (b) noticeable jiggling, then you are pretty much all set. The other thing to look for is dimples. If you have dimples, you will have a concave area in the side of each buttock that reflects tightness. You may also consider your buns fairly tight if you can create dimples by clenching your cheeks together through anal constriction. Keep looking in the mirror when you do these things. Some public rest rooms may have laws and/or rules about this, so check with your waitress or bartender firsthand.

Tight buns in pop culture

There are the obvious examples. Who hasn't lusted after David Hasselhoff and his tight, Baltimore buns? And what about the rest of the Baywatch honeys? Pretty sweet. And Greer Garson, meow.

But let's look at a different example, one that is far more sublime than the tight buns the swimsuit crowd would have you drooling over the next time you are at Jones Beach or on the Maryland shore. Let's look at the example of Mr. Spock.

Some of you may remember the show from the 1960s called Star Trek, although many of you may be too young to remember it. The show involved a bunch of idiots in pajamas riding around in a big, saucer-shaped spaceship with some stuff sticking out of the back of the saucer that involved engines and lasers and torpedoes. They were often fighting against space aliens who had weird looking heads but otherwise looked just like regular people. In short, it was a ridiculous program with hokey plots, unbelievable sets and uninteresting characters. So, why was this show so popular that it was renewed again and again for many years?

The answer has already been given. Mr. Spock's tight buns.

Hordes of youngsters and adults were drawn to the screen each week to see these uninteresting characters in their pajamas running around talking into walkie-talkies and disappearing from one location and reappearing in another location (likely because the show's budget could not afford to give them a space shuttle like the famous Challenger we all remember fondly). Although the stories made no sense, including one where they went back to Nazi Germany, misrepresented everything and then ran over a woman who was stupid enough to jump out in front of their car, there was still the draw of the show. People were quite obviously attracted to the glimpses that were given of Mr. Spock's tight buns. And let me tell you, this Spock fellow quite often would be seen bending over his computer console giving the cameras a full view of his tight buns in his tight black pajama pants and people were eating it up, but once Richard Nixon, bless his heart, found out about what was going on, he moved to have the show cancelled and it never recovered, although I believe it is shown in late night reruns from time to time. Check local listings and tune in if you want to see what I am talking about. Be warned though, it suffers from a very heavy liberal media bias and you need to protect your children. It was filmed in the sixties when the liberals took over and burned our universities. Don't forget that.

In closing

We can conclude from this volume of information on tight buns the following things:

  • Tight buns are nice to look at.
  • Tight buns are something to have if you want a better chance at dating.
  • Denise Austin puts on a good show, whether you are into working out to videos or doing that other thing.
  • David Hasselhoff was born in Baltimore.
  • Mr. Spock has tight buns.

Thank you.

Some research done at www.baywatch.com and the Denise Austin video ordering page.