I can't believe this.

I can't believe that this actually happened.

I drink too much, and for the wrong reasons, yes, I knew this. Not exactly new news.

I am am alcoholic, yes, I had said this recently, quite a bit, and I even sort of believed it, but I had not acted upon it.

And tonight was proof.

Worked till maybe 10:30 mending tears and cleaning up the Oxford Lectern Bible (writeup to come sometime in the next week), then decided to go over to the campus bar and enjoy the $1 pitchers that they were offering tonight. Took the Bible back to my room, because I didn't want to damage it, and because I was worried about something happening to it. Then went over to Extreme Pizza and put my $1 down for a half gallon pitcher of beer. (Gave the guy a $1 tip, too, been there, sort of, and I know what it is like.)

Walked around, talked with people, had a good time, and didn't really feel the effect of the beer, at all, till I was 3/4 done... and then only slightly.

So I got another pitcher. Another $2, one for the bartender and one for me, and I continued drinking. Gave a dollar to the guy cleaning the table - definitely been there - they deserve it. After finishing that, sharing a little with those who wanted, I got another pitcher.

Yep, a gallon and a half of beer, total.

Sipped, slowly, until some of my friends started talking about leaving. Slowly, casually, poured my pitcher into the pitchers of others.... oh yeah, and during this time, I told T. that his girlfriend was hot as hell, and also L. that she was hot as hell... - and I got L. kicked out, because I was giving her beer and she was underage. They both are, but I wouldn't mess with T's girlfried, S. - it just would not be right. She is so attractive, though. L. is so nice, too...

So, I went to my dorm, then to T. and S.'s dorm, to hang out. Saw T. wrestle with some guy, talked with S., then decided to go back to my dorm...

I ended back in T. and S.'s dorm, in the computer lab, because I had to talk in the catbox - my computer was not starting up fast enough. I said some really stupid stuff, something to the equivelent of "Fuck, I am drunk", and then C!d a writeup, because, well, it seemed cool.

Then I went outside, played electronic games for a little...eventually I went back to my dorm.

Here I am, now.

I am done with alcohol. Now. No more. Period. Tomorrow evening I am going to look into AA meetings on campus. I have proved, time and time again, that I cannot drink in moderation. I have tried hard, starting at just a beer or two a day, but it adds up... I drink more and more each day, and it just fucks stuff up. I can't drink in moderation - I have tried.

So I am done. I am sorry. I am sorry that I have messed stuff up for so long. I am sorry for all the trouble that I have caused. But I am done. I don't know how I am going to do this, I don't know how I am going to deal with the stress, I don't know how I am going to flirt, but this is ridiculous. I am done.

I am sorry to the people here that I have screwed stuff up for. It will not happen again. Or if it does, it will be due to my own stupidity and nothing more.

And I am sorry.