Instructions for Making : The Super Terrific Commie Hating American Hamburger.

    Okay, Chillen, you've heard all about the contents and evils of hamburgers, but you have not yet been given good, clear instructions on how to make one. The good old fashioned American Hamburger is a staple in the free world, or at least, the gluttonous free world.    

    A quick note before we begin. There is no differentiation between a hamburger and a cheeseburger. That's like calling a hamburger with tomato on it a tomatoburger. Ludicrous, I say. Alright, now that we have that out of the way, on to the ingredients. What you'll need to make yerself a extremely palatable burger is the following:

  • 1/3 pound of lean (not extra lean, not regular) ground beef. Not turkey, BEEF.
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons of seasoned salt (salt and pepper if Lowry is unavailable)
  • 6 inch round sesame seed roll, cut in two.
  • 2 slices (one ounce) of American cheese. (Jack and Swiss are optional, American is mandatory)
  • 2-3 Thin slices of tomato
  • 2 teaspoons of Miracle Whip

    What you'll wanna do here is take the ground beef, and manhandle it into a single, glorious patty. Sprinkle the seasoned salt onto your patty on both sides. Turn your stove on medium heat, and fry that bi-otch with a tasty groove. No charbroiling, you want as much grease in the patty as possible (Consult your doctor before attempting this). 

    With your patty on the skillet, put a lid over it to keep moisture and heat in. Check every minute or so. Try to keep the patty in as much grease as possible, to marinate. When blood starts to rise out of the patty (8-9 minutes), it is time to flip it over. Let the other side of your patty cook in the same manner, in the grease, with a lid on. After 5-6 minutes, poke a fork into your patty and see if blood or grease oozes out. If you see any blood, keep cooking. However, when you see grease come out of the fork holes, it's time for the cheese. 

    Layer your cheese on top of the hamburger patty and place the lid over your skillet. In about 15-20 seconds, your cheese should be sufficiently melted. Turn off the heat, but leave the patty under the lid until your condiments are prepared.

    Take your sesame seed roll, and butter it. Then, place both buttered pieces on another skillet (or the same one, if you want the grease...Mmmmm). Fry the buttered side of the roll to your liking. While still warm, spread Miracle Whip on the roll generously. Now it is time for your patty and roll to meet in a sensuous dance of calorific plentitude.

    Take your patty, which is by now covered in hot melting cheese, and place it on your roll. On the top of the patty, place your tomato slices, so they mingle with the cheese. Now is the perfect time to add any condiments of your liking to the burger. However, Do Not Use Ketchup. Ketchup will destroy the cheese's flavor and eat away at your juicy tomatoes. If you've cooked your burger right, it will be so juicy itself that adding ketchup would be a travesty. Once finished with the condiment adding, place the top of your roll on the burger.

    Prepare your drink of choice (root beer, perhaps), and eat with extreme prejudice. Enjoy the cheese, the juicy tomatoes, the hot, dripping slab of cow. Thank your god for making such pleasure possible. Only use a napkin when you have completely demolished your hamburger. Now it is time to pass out on the couch, euphoric from a satiated bloodlust that can only come from: The Super Terrific Commie Hating American Hamburger.