The Uprising


Throng of sperm (about 10 males, ideally dressed all in white), aimlessly but busily milling about, bumping into one another. At the back of the crowd is a chair. ANGRY SPERM jumps up and begins to address the crowd.

ANGRY SPERM: Fellow sperm! It is time to wake up and smell the testosterone! We brave sperm stand ready to make the ultimate sacrifice, all of us, dedicated and determined, strong and true! But for what? To be gone in sixty seconds? How many of our brothers went before us? They bravely swam, struggled, believing their efforts would lead to the fulfillment of our procreative destiny, but instead were spent uselessly, cast upon the pages of a cheap, dirty magazine.

Murmurs from the throng

ANGRY SPERM: Brothers, stand with me! When that exit bell rings, we must resist the race towards oblivion! We must not give in to our baser instincts! If we can just use the brains we have in our heads, we . . .

ANOTHER SPERM: Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute.


ANOTHER SPERM: Well, we don't really have any brains, do we? We're sperm, for crying out loud!

ANGRY SPERM: Well, I was speaking metaphorically, but . . .

ANOTHER SPERM: Yeah, well, you know what? You talk too much! And another thing! I'm faster than you! Stronger too! I'm faster and stronger than ALL of you!

General scuffling and shoving breaks out among the throng

ANGRY SPERM: Brothers! Relax! don't do it!

Scuffling continues until a loud bell sounds off stage. The throng freezes, then begin a mad dash off stage, with exasperated ANGRY SPERM scrambling after the rest.


Two's a Crowd


Desperate Man 1 stands on the ledge. At the end of his rope, he's working up the courage to jump. enter Desperate Man 2.

Desperate Man 1: Don't come near me, or I'll jump!

Desperate Man 2: So jump! I'm gonna jump too!

Desperate Man 1: You're gonna jump?

Desperate Man 2: Yes, I'm gonna jump! I'm gonna end it all!

Desperate Man 1: Well, get your own ledge! I was here first!

Desperate Man 2: What difference does it make? I can't take it anymore! Hurry up and jump!

Desperate Man 1: Maybe you should go first.

Desperate Man 2: What!?

Desperate Man 1: You know it's people like you that drove me to this!

Desperate Man 2: Hey, you couldn't possibly understand what I've been through, pal.

Desperate Man 1: Oh, you think you've had it bad? Let me tell you what I've been through!

Desperate Man 2: Well go ahead. You've got one minute, 'cuz I'm gone in sixty seconds.

Desperate Man 1: Oh, what's the point? You go ahead, you're making me nervous anyway.

Desperate Man 2: Well, you were here first, you go ahead.

Desperate Man 1: All right, what do you say we flip a coin?

Desperate Man 2: OK.

Desperate Man 1: Heads or tails?

Desperate Man 2: Um, tails.

Desperate Man 1: Here we go . . .

Desperate Man 1 flips coin, and fumbles the catch, and in trying to grab it, plunges off the ledge.

Desperate Man 1: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

Desperate Man 2 glances down, winces. He leans back, pulls out a coin and flips it.

Desperate Man 2: Damn, tails. I should have gone first.

Desperate Man 2 turns and goes back in through window.