The world's finest pianos, handcrafted in Vienna, Austria, since 1828.

The Model 290 Imperial Grand has 97 keys - 9 additional bass keys that have inverted colors so that people don't get confused. It is 9'6" in length, 5'6" in width, and weighs 570 kg.

This is not a piece of furniture to put in your home. You must build a concert hall around it so that it can develop its full potential. Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1 has parts in the first movement where there's a little "8" above some notes. This means: play that note and the note an octave below it. You can only do this on the Bösendorfer with the additional 9 keys, and the walls shake when you do it. It's kind of like Spinal Tap's amp that goes up to 11.

Here's how to get one:

  1. Make it known to the Bösendorfer people that you wish to acquire one of these girls. Don't forget to bring about US $250,000.
  2. A Bösendorfer employee will go out into the company-owned forest and carefully choose a tree. He will cut it down, take it back to the workshop and leave it outside, behind the building, to age in the rain, wind and sunshine for three years.
  3. Your tree is cut into boards for the body of your Imperial Grand. It will take another half year until it is finished. On the workshop walls are paintings of nude women, so that the men incorporate the elegance and flow of the female body into their work. About ten people work here. There is one apprentice, who was chosen at the age of thirteen.
  4. Your Grand Piano is finished. After it is delivered to your desired location, the Tuner arrives. He is the only living person with the required skills for this task. You should tell him which works by which composer you want to play, and he will set up the instrument for this. He can adjust the strings to a thousandth of a note, by ear.
  5. You realize you are not Glenn Gould and have just spent a quarter million to play Für Elise.

Oh, and if I ever happen to have that much money, I'm gonna get one. No Ferrari, thanks.

morven reminds me that, of course, Tori Amos has been playing a Bosie forever, although it is not a 290, but a smaller model more suitable for touring. In fact, the above manufacturing details are largely from an interview with her that I once read.