[Letting go] is so hard.

This [girl] was the most important thing to me in the world, for maybe 2 years, until suddenly we [broke contact]. We both helped each other through our own individual [depression]s and [loneliness], but this kind of total [dependence] ends up lasting a lot longer than the [relationship]. While helping each other, we also [dragged] each other down a lot, and after a while I realised that her constant [disappointments] we're only dragging me further down, though I realised this much too late, and I ended up losing my [friends], and [the future] that I had been working towards all these years.

We initiated contact again recently, as I have previously [day-logged], and now I know this is the worst mistake I have made in quite a while, as she has already begun dragging me down [all over again]. And the constant feeling of wanting nothing more than for her to be [in my arms] isn't helping. It's not that I couldn't have her, its that she hasn't changed, but I have, and I'm trying to live, trying to [pull my life together], and be someone. While she is still the [same person], who already has, and will continue to [hurt] me in the same way.

I spent last [friday night] [waiting] for [her], as I used to, but she decided, without calling, to go out with some other people instead, so for the 4th time, out of the 6 organised meetings weve had recently, shes fucked with my head. Now I feel bad for telling her its [not healthy] for me to see her anymore. I can't concentrate on anything while knowing she exists, I can't think about anything else, but I'm trying so [desperately] to [lose these feelings]. Trying to [hold in tears] that don't deserve to be shed in the first place, as I know that she holds no particular care for me anymore, despite her [apparent] longing to get back together.

I can't get her out of my head, but I know how much it will hurt to try to continue this "[friendship]" or to get back together. I hate these [unreliable] feelings, and I hate myself for not being able to [shake them]. She is the cause of my [depression], because she was the only cause of my [happiness]. I know its not all her fault, but she really tries too hard to make everyone unhappy, usually the people who she thinks will run away if they aren't, and I was never one of those people. But I am determined to be one now, for my [mental health].

I really don't know what I'm saying here anymore. I need [companionship], I [need] advice, I'm always needing other people.. But theres [noone] around.

April 7, 2003 (idea)