It's official, nothing exists!

The latest research from the top scientists of the day now proves beyond all doubt that the probability of 'existence' is not just very very small, but simply impossible! This startling conclusion is the result of a succession of newly proved advanced theories of the nature and beginning of the universe.

Namely matter and energy must have always existed because it cannot be created or destroyed, so time is infinite, but it must have come about somehow, and then how did organic cells come about from inorganic matter and how can consciousness possibly exist and come about by chance?

It now seems that that the answer to all of these questions and the many others along the same lines is that it simply can't have happened, it's impossible and therefore, using Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's thinking, when you have eliminated the impossible, that which remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Namely, nothing exists, not even you, so you had better start getting used to the fact that what you think of as yourself and what you see around you does not exist in any capacity whatsoever.

It should be noted that once the scientists had come to their conclusion and vacated their research laboratories a huge party bong was discovered and taken away for further examination.