Sex life of the Teletubbies

For some years now, small children across the globe have seen their days lit up and their development blighted by an inane television programme. Various pundits and a selection of the usual supects have expressed concern at the utterly banal content of the programmes, but I am now in a position to reveal that they are far from recognising just how fundamentally repellent the life-forms are that are daily presented for the delight of our innocent children.

It will have escaped the attention of no-one watching the programme that the family group presented has four members, by name: Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, La-La and Po. The two larger and therefore presumably older individuals both appear to be male, while the younger two are both female. So much is revealed by the use of personal pronouns. No mention is made of their relationships to each other. The reason for this is simple: in most countries it would lead to public pressure to have the programme taken off the air. Through careful research I have uncovered this information, possibly the best-kept secret in television:

The four form a typical teletubby family. Tinky-Winky is the father of La-La and Po. Dipsy is La-La's mother, while La-La is Po's mother. Before changing sex, Dipsy was Tinky-Winky's wife, a position that is now held by La-La, his daughter.

More perceptive readers will have read the previous paragraph twice, in order to confirm their first horrified impression. They may be wondering why such a nest of degeneracy was chosen as a subject for children's television. But perhaps even more horrifying than the inherent degeneracy of the tubby household is the fact that there is nothing unusual about it: incest and sex changes are regarded as normal in teletubby society. The reasons are founded in two aspects of the biology of these loathsome creatures:

The first, simple point is that the distinction between the sexes among teletubbies is differently organised than among all higher animals on our own planet. Teletubbies are born female and become male after thirty to thirty-five years of life. Given the high biological cost of motherhood and the fact that this arrangement gives a woman too old to bear children the possibility of fathering them, one might even consider this a reasonable arrangement, were it not for the fact that such thoughts can lead only to perversion and degeneracy.

The second, more technical reason has to do with teletubby genetics: teletubbies are quadruploid. This means that each teletubby, unlike a diploid organism like a human being, has not two sets of genes (i.e. two copies of each chromosome) but four. We inherit one set of genes from our father and one from our mother. Teletubbies inherit one from their fathers and three from their mothers. Fathers and daughters are therefore less closely related than among humans, and the weakening of the incest taboo in this case would be understandable if it were not for its inherent repulsiveness. There is a taboo against incest with a daughter if the male was the daughter's mother or grandmother, or if he is both the father and the grandfather.

Those with strong enough stomachs to read thus far may be wondering about teletubby courtship: will Dipsy soon start dating? If not, according to what deviant customs will he seek a wife? The answer leads us into another bottomless pit of horror and depravity: when Dipsy is mature, Tinky-Winky will forcibly eject him from his home. He will then wander, hungry and alone, until he is able to find a new home where there are only females, in which case he will move in and force himself upon them, or until he is able to kill another male teletubby and take over his home and force himself upon his womenfolk.

It is not possible for a teletubby to set up a new household: the few remaining habitable parts of the planet are already full. Even those parts are by no means as attractive as the pictures on our television screens would suggest: the planet of the teletubbies is a blasted wasteland, where very little grows and few animals survive. Only the rabbits remain in any numbers, and this is because they are raised for food. Their bones are the raw material for tubby toast, while the rest of their bodies is triturated and homogenised into tubby custard.

You may wonder how such a hellish environment can appear so attractive. The short answer is that we are talking about television. A more complete explanation is that since teletubby vision is tetrachromatic, the television pictures they provide have to be processed in any case to make them usable for our trichromatic vision and television. Prettifying the colours is no extra work, and appropriate given that on Earth the pictures are used for children's programming. They are sold to other planets for pornography, and to most as horror.

This then is what the leftist media establishment regards as suitable viewing for our children: pornographic horror, incest, murder, and rape. Is it any wonder then that the youth of today is so disorientated?