Concealed

I really wish I had a good friend around. Growing up as a only child, I could of been different had my mom kept my brother. I cant hold onto friendships anymore. Friends in my life have slowly faded away, because I can not pick up a phone to see how anyone is doing. I am terrified of the phone. A guy I once new called me and I mentioned weed on the phone he told me to shut up that the government can hear me. That they were on the line, that they are always listening. How can society live with that? Having such control over you. The human right is far from what it truly is.
My mother thinks I'm a child, and that I'm disillusioned.
My mother. She told me tonight that I was always a 'daddy's girl' when my father was alive.
I never felt that mother and daughter connection with her. Is it so wrong of me a female to have that loving connection with my father, as he was male and I female. It is only natural.
I don't feel comfortable giving her a hug, telling her that I care and that I love her.
She once told me that before I was born she sat alone in her hotel room thinking to herself she'll have a baby girl one day, she'll have someone to talk to and be friends with.
I don't feel I have given her that through my life, and now shes ready to leave me and move on.
When she passes, she'll have been my best friend.
One thing she'll never get to know, as she sits in the other room, is that I always cared. In some sick way. I laughed and taunted her with love. I looked out for her as she looked out for me, and we'll always share that. We'll never let one another know how we feel. It, the form of love will die with us in our hearts, never spoken of, never heard by the human ear.
Inside it tears me apart.