Of course, I would never take or transport illegal drugs. No sir! But here's something that happened to a friend of mine:

Let's say you're in the United States and have gone vacationing to a city of sin that has a more ample supply of drugs than your puritanical hometown. This happened to my friend, who found that the ecstasy was great, the speed was much cheaper, and he wanted to bring some back with him. What to do?

Sending it back by postal mail seemed like a decent thing to do, but time was short. In the end, he was able to open up a standard videotape he had, put the ecstasy pills in it, close it back up, and put it in his checked luggage. It went through, arriving back safely. No problem.

But with the speed he didn't have enough time to do a similar trick. So, he did what any clear-headed person would do: he taped it to his butt. Actually, he first dusted the packet of crystal meth with baby powder (he'd heard somewhere that it threw off the scent), then put that in saran wrap, then dusted it again with baby powder, then taped it to his butt. This also worked, though he was of course nervous as hell going through airport security.

In talking with said friend and other friends later, an alternate method came up which seemed clever. The scheme is that you put together a small woman's purse with a fake ID which has your home address on it and preferably the name of somebody who lived there before you, or otherwise a falsified name. Put some other accessories in the purse so it looks believable, and make sure there's a little cash left in there too. Hide the drugs in the purse. Send it in a padded mailer to the address on the ID. Then it looks like some good samaritan found the lost purse and mailed it back. You could plausibly deny the purse was yours and that the ID is fake.

Now, keep in mind that neither I nor Everything2 would approve of you consuming or transporting drugs that are illegal. We care about you and want to see you grow old and stay in good health. We love your pretty smile and your keen looks and know that if you started taking drugs, you'd suddenly start going to hemp rallies and keep a salt shaker full of crystal meth to sprinkle on your food. You don't want that to happen do you?? No, of course you don't. So just ignore everything I just wrote.

Disclaimer:These are just useful guidelines for getting some contraband (that isn't a weapon) past security. There is no way to take the danger out of the proposed situation. You may get caught. That being said, you probably shouldn't do it in the first place. Also, this is not a 'how to' for getting a kilo of coke into a country. If you want to swallow balloons then this is not the writeup for you. If you still want to try, or are just curious about the specifics, read on.

  • Candles
  • This is by far the best method as it seals the illicit material completely away from vision and smell. The downside is the amount of preparation that is necessary to pull this off correctly. You'll want two large candles at least 3 or 4 inches across. Now you just have to set the candle up in such a way that the bottom is directly over the flame of the other candle. Realize that the wax is going to drip down and plan for it. Once you've started hollowing it out the wax will drip around the edges leaving the flame in the center untouched. The beginning is by far the hardest. Once you have the size necessary for your contraband, you can slip it in there, making sure that it is sealed in at least two tough plastic sealable bags. Melt down enough of that second candle to provide enough wax to fill the hollowed-out candle, and do just that. Do not heat the wax any higher than you need to. If it is too hot it will damage what you are trying to protect.
  • Potpourri
  • For some contraband the aspect you want to hide the most is the smell. If you don't have time for the Houdini candle then get yourself a nice bag or potpourri, mulling spices, or a fragrant tea. Seal away the materials in a plastic bag and then put it in with its odorous travel companion.
  • Mail
  • Really this is the safest option of all. If something is siezed in the mail, most likely it is going to be stolen or thrown away by whoever found it because trying to determine its owner is difficult, and proving its owner is near impossible. Send the illicit materials in a package (utilizing one of the methods above as well, ideally) to your address, but use a false pseudonym. Unless you are very good friends with your mailman and he knows the name of every person in your household, you're golden.
  • On Your Person
  • While I would only do this with a small amount of whatever you're trying to hide, this is actually a lot safer and more successful than you might think. In this day and age security is a lot more focused on what's in your baggage. The only thing that is going to be found on your person is something that sets off the metal detector. Use your shoe, armpit or even your pocket if you're really lazy. Your mouth is an excellent hiding spot for small materials. The most important thing to disguise is the smell, as a dog is the only thing that's going to blow your cover. Use ziploc bags. Put the material in one, seal it, then wash the outside of the bag with soap and water and dry. Put it into another ziploc with a fragrant substance and then finally put it in yet another bag. Even a dog's nose is not finding its way through that.
  • Vitamins
  • I include this at the end because its only for a very specific contraband: pills. The best method is to mix the pills with a bottle of vitamins, or even better a couple different vitamins. Really, most pills do not have names or easily identifiable marks on them. Any marks they do have might be identify the pill to a pharmacist, but not your average underpaid security guard. Don't try this with ecstasy pills either unless they don't have those dead-giveaway-party-favor-type stamps on them. Do not try to hide the bottle! Remember, you're just carrying vitamins here.

note: Do not try to transport any illegal materials out of Amsterdam. Although the temptation is strong, security in the Dam is looking for drugs. They will interview you and ask you a dozen difficult questions and are trained to look for nervous individuals. It isn't worth it, trust me.

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